tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52634710595749020462024-02-08T00:25:40.532-05:00Glitter Covered Sass and SadnessMy life. My journey. I'm just trying to survive.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger76125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-50294180797337059102019-11-10T17:26:00.002-05:002019-11-10T17:26:37.822-05:00I’ve Been Here Before<div>
DISCLAIMER: All names in this post have been changed for privacy reasons. </div>
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The hours tick by. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Seven hours since you said you need a week long break from me. Seven hours out of 168. Only 161 left. Right? Honestly, I’m not sure. That’s the worst part. The truth is my BPD is running rampant right now, and my fear of abandonment is crippling. <div>
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I’ve been here before. This same corner of this same couch has caught more of my tears than you know... than you may ever know. There it is! The panic swells inside my chest again. My breath becomes labored. My eyes sting as I fight back the tears. Oh yes. I have been here. The soft hum of the electronics is the only thing I hear, but they sound so loud that I want to run. So, I throw on my jacket, go out into the crisp fall evening, and smoke a cigarette. Yes, I’ve been here before. My mind repeats it one last time for good measure. See, I have to remind myself that I know what to do. I have to remind myself that I have indeed been here before. I have to remind myself to respect the boundaries you have set as BPD screams inside my head that I don’t because you are leaving. It screams that the last time I saw you or the last time I spoke to you really was the last time. It screams that you are like Stephen and Anthony, that you have left and aren’t coming back. It screams that I screwed up again, but I force myself to take a long drag off my cigarette and hear as years of mindfulness work breaks through, “I have been here before.”</div>
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That sentence on repeat slows the panic and the dread ever so slightly. Enough for some mindfulness work to take place. <i>Write it down. Document it. Remember. What did you do with Stephen? Remember. You have to remember. He set boundaries too. He took a break too. What did you do? </i> And then it is back again. The terrible, awful voice of borderline personality disorder telling me that I wasn’t good enough to keep them. That I was too messed up for them to love, too messed up for them to stay by my side as my friend as they swore they would. Maybe I am too messed up. Maybe you deserve better. I know you do. Deep down I know you deserve better. Everyone does, including myself, but I have to live with this. You don’t. You can leave. The panic swells again. “I’ve been here before.” This time I speak it aloud. I cannot continue the cycle. Cannot continue to ride this messy carousel of pain. Then, I remember. Stephen asked for space, and I never gave it. Never allowed him time to decompress. Never allowed him time away. I was desperate, so desperate, to fix it, to fix us, to keep him. I feel that same fear now. That same desperation, but I don’t move. I just light another cigarette. I have to respect the boundaries because chasing Stephen made it worse. The moment I stepped over the boundary he was gone.</div>
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One. Two. Three. Everything happens in threes. Are you the third? The third really great friend that I have run off with my insanity? “I’ve been here before.” I’m clinging to sanity but barely. I refuse to cross your boundary. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the time I get it right. I smile slightly. Maybe. Then, the smile fades. I can do my part this time. It feels like it will kill me, but I know I can do it. Stay in my lane. Not cross over. I can do that. For this friendship, I can do that. Then I hear it. The tortured voice of the broken part of me... “but you’ve been here before.”</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-50368097634318780622019-03-06T22:59:00.001-05:002019-03-06T22:59:18.626-05:00I’m Not a Princess<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You’re not a princess, Aunt Sarah.”</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Those are the words uttered by my 5-year-old niece when I told her I would be playing Allana in The Little Mermaid. For those of you who don’t know the names listed in the song “Daughters of Triton” Allana is one of Ariel’s older sisters, which means Allana is in fact a Disney Princess. The show is currently running (2 weekends left... get your tickets at jccommunitytheatre.org), and I still struggle with this aspect of the character. Actually, I struggle with most aspects of the character. You see... I agree with my niece. I am NOT a princess, and I most definitely am not a Disney Princess. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am 32. I am morbidly obese. I am less than pretty. The only thing I have going for me is a singing voice that the good Lord decided to bless me with... and a big heart that loves people. That’s it. So, prior to every performance, I paint my face, put on my costume, and lock myself in the paint room at the theatre to steel my nerves. Not because I have stage fright, but because I accepted a role that I am physically uncomfortable playing. I call myself the whale-sister instead a mersister because that’s how I feel, but I force myself to put on an air of being comfortable in my own skin because that is one of things we are trying to achieve with this production. Showing people that no matter your age, race, sexual identity, or size you can be whatever it is you want to be. Sometimes, I think this is more for me than any audience member because I struggle so much with my body image. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have tried to lose weight. Believe me. I’ll try again and again, but until I can find that love for myself that I so freely give to others, it won’t stick. I know this because it is the first thing anyone will tell you about weight loss. So, for now, I will step on that stage, mid panic attack, uncomfortable with who I am, and deliver a performance that makes audiences feel like they are represented because they are! That’s the beauty of it! Honestly, I LOVE what we are doing! I just wish I would have declined the role 90% of the time. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know this probably doesn’t make sense. I know people never really read my blog anyone. I know there are people who will say, “Sarah’s having a BPD moment and asking for validation.” Does my BPD make this harder? Absolutely, but I’ve done the work enough to know the difference. This is me expressing my feelings about something that is affecting me. No more. No less. Does validation feel good? Absolutely. I wouldn’t human if I said no... with or without BPD. But validation is not my end game. My end game is to express how I feel and acknowledge those feelings in order to hopefully let them go in a healthy way. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For now... I’m proud of myself for doing this in spite of being uncomfortable. It is only through the pain that we grow. </span><br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-64306991151566018362019-03-03T16:48:00.001-05:002019-03-04T10:27:33.576-05:00The Hardest Phrase I Have Ever Uttered<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am sitting in my car. My phone is charging. It is raining, and I am doing my best to type this post. The words refuse to come to express the emotions I am feeling. Mid-life crisis sounds too cliche. Anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder: they all sound irrelevant as I work so hard to combat them every single day. No, this is deeper yet more surface. It is dashed dreams, broken promises, and a grief I never knew I could feel. It is a battle for acceptance of a situation that I am uncertain I can win. It is trying my best to believe God’s plan for me is exactly what He wants and knowing that it is so far removed from what I ever wanted that I have no idea what my life will be. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I will never have children. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There. I said it. Again. However, this time I am saying it to more than just my closest friends and confidantes. I am saying it to more than God. I am attempting to own it the same way I owned my BPD in the beginning... by acknowledging it out loud. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It hurts to say it, and I fear this post may hurt others in a way. I have children. I have 4 theatre children that make me the happiest, most frustrated theatre mom there ever was. I love them intensely and unconditionally. I would do anything in my power to ensure their happiness and health in this life. I annoy them. I am overprotective of them. They more than likely hate me for it, but they allow it because they know I love them. They allow it because it makes me happy and fills a small section of this void in my life. If any of you are reading this, please know that my sadness right now has nothing to do with you. It has to do with the grief I feel over the loss of the life I always thought I would have. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I always wanted children. I always wanted a husband and kids and a dog and a fenced in yard. I wanted all of those things. In my 20s, I started to realize that would never happen for me so I started saying that I hated kids, that I did not want them. It was a lie I told myself because, at the time, it made me feel better. Now, that lie hurts me in ways I never knew it would. Let’s call that unhealthy coping mechanism number one. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Unhealthy coping mechanism number two has been in full force. See, there was this guy. Love of my life. If I am being completely honest, I am over him. I have been for years. My friends don’t know that. They think I am still hung up on him. Why? Because anytime I get sad, I use him as an excuse. I filter that sadness through the “I miss ______” dialogue I grew accustomed to using. The truth is that it is easier to “miss him” than it is to face a new type of sadness. I know what missing him entails. I know what it means. I know how to survive it. This? This is new. A different kind of hurt. A different kind of pain. This pain has swallowed me whole. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, where do I go from here? I am not sure. I keep living. I keep loving my theatre children, but this post allows me to be a bit more open, honest, and real with them. A friend told me recently that my kids are strong and can handle the truth of my sadness... that what they won’t tolerate is the lies. So, there’s the truth. I’m sad because I will never have children outside of my adopted theatre kids... not because of ______. I know it sounds like something stupid to be sad over, but there it is. When I talk about him, know that I am trying to say something else but the words are too painful to speak. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I will never have children. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The hardest phrase I have ever uttered. </span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-34975291456275351532017-01-28T18:17:00.000-05:002017-01-28T18:17:22.006-05:00How Quilting Saved My LifeCoping skills have never been my strong suit. I'm not sure I ever had them until recently. I work diligently to be self-aware, to let go of the negative thoughts that invade my mind consistently throughout the day, to breathe through the anxiety rather than let it overcome me. It is exhausting work, but the gift of life is worth the effort. However, the best coping skill I have adapted into my routine is quilting.<br />
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I have always been a creative type. Acting, singing, piano, guitar, writing... these are just a few outlet I've had throughout my life, but nothing compares to quilting. </div>
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My mamaw has quilted her entire life. Her involvement came from necessity, but as time went on, it became a hobby. Her quilts are beautiful. Her stitches small and tight. She has made quilts for almost every member of our family, and our family is quite large. I received a gorgeous quilt from her for my 16th birthday. It is rarely used because I do not want it to get ruined. It's a keepsake to me. A treasure that hopefully will be passed down for generations. </div>
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Now, I quilt. It isn't out of necessity for warmth. I have collected plenty of quilts throughout the years between those made for me by my mamaw and my mom. No, for me, it is out of necessity for sanity. </div>
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Quilting keeps me occupied. It allows my mind to shut down the anxiety and depression and 100 thoughts per minute that plague my life daily. It is an outlet I can pour myself into without regret. Plus, I hand quilt. My mom has a machine capable of quilting. She prefers to machine quilt. I do not. I guess I get it from my mamaw. Hand quilting means it takes longer to finish a project, but it also means more down time for my anxiety. I pour myself into these quilts 100% once I get started. Most people I know who quilt prefer to make the quilt tops. That part is actually my least favorite. Cutting all the pieces and sewing them together, which I actually do on machine, is fun but I really get in the zone when I have the quilt basted and in the frame. Turn on some music or Netflix and just run stitches. </div>
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I guess what I am getting at is if you a struggling, find an outlet. Find something that occupies your time and your mind. Something that will help you tune out the wreckage your illness is trying to cause. </div>
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Below are pictures of two projects. One i have finished. The other is now in the frame being quilted. I have even started cutting squares for a new one. </div>
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Peace, Love, & Creativity!</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-37205126394401347362017-01-22T12:33:00.000-05:002017-01-22T12:33:02.118-05:00Dreams: Subconscious at Work<span style="font-family: Arial;">Since being medicated, I have started dreaming again. Let me tell you, I do not dream small. I have massive, realistic, good-enough-to-be-a-motion-picture, heart-pounding-so-hard-it-jerks-you-straight-out-of-REM dreams. I always have, except when my depression is at it's deepest, darkest points. In those times, I see nothing but vast emptiness. Obviously, I prefer waking up multiple times a night because at least I know my subconscious is working. I know that things are being sorted out in the process nature indeed. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">You can also imagine that I take great stock in my dreams and their meaning. Some people do. Some don't. It's a personal belief that should not be chastised. If you don't believe dreams hold significant meaning, this post is not for you. If you do, let's take a stroll through my subconscious's way of telling me to get my shit together. Shall we?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">For the past month, I have had different versions of the same dream. What do I mean? I mean, the players are the same, but the story line is somewhat different. This escalated into having 5 versions in one night. Well, now it is definitely time to look into the symbolic nature of those dreams because this is getting ridiculous.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Let me point out, that I'm not going to tell you what the dream was. You will probably be able to figure out the puzzle yourself by reading the meanings, from <a href="http://www.dreammoods.com/" target="_blank">Dream Moods</a>, below. I've italicized key words and phrases that connected.</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To see friends from your past in your dream points to your <i>desire to reconnect with a part of yourself that you have lost touch with.</i> Perhaps it is time to pick up that old hobby or put a long hidden talent to use. A more direct interpretation of this dream may simply mean that you should look this friend up and reconnect with them. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream that you are being chased signifies that <i>you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable.</i> It is a metaphor for some form of <i>insecurity.</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream that you have been killed suggests that <i>your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience.</i> The dream refers to <i>drastic changes that you are trying to make.</i> <i>There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself.</i> Killing represents the <i>killing off of the old parts and old habits.</i> Alternatively, the dream represents<i> feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed.</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream that you are murdered suggests that <i>some important and significant relationship has been severed. You are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions.</i> The dream may also be about your unused talents. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To see poison in your dream denotes that <i>you need to get rid of something in your life that is causing you much sickness and distress. You need to cleanse and purge away the negativity in your life. </i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream that you ingest or inhale poison indicates that <i>you are introducing something into yourself that is harmful to your well-being. This may be feelings of bitterness, jealousy or other negative feelings that are consuming you.</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream of an ex-friend suggests that an <i>object or a recent incident has subconsciously reminded you of her or him.</i> Alternatively, the ex-friend <i>represents a lesson you learned from the falling out. You need to apply that lesson to a current issue, problem or relationship.</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream of your own execution indicates that <i>you are harboring some strong guilt.</i> Perhaps there is a bad habit or aspect of yourself that you want to rid yourself of.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream that you are kicking someone represents <i>suppressed aggression that you are unable to express in your waking life. </i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream that you are being kicked indicates that <i>you feel victimized or taken advantage of.</i> The dream may be telling you to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Alternatively, being kicked is a way for your subconscious to push you ahead and motivate you to continue on toward your goals. Sometimes you need a kick. <i>You need to be more aggressive.</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream that you are being kidnapped denotes <i>feelings of being trapped and restricted. Someone or some situation may be diverting your concentration and your attention away from your goals.</i> <span style="font-size: small;">In particular, to dream that you are kidnapped by your ex-boyfriend suggests that <i>your ex still has some sort of emotional hold on you.</i> (**Note: I am viewing this as an ex-friend as well.**)</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream that you are wounded by a knife is symbolic of <i>masculine or animalistic aggression.</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To see someone holding a knife in your dream suggests that <i>you lack control or power in a situation or relationship.</i> Alternatively, the person holding a knife in your dream may be symbolic of a dominant male figure in your waking life.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream that you are hiding suggests that <i>you are keeping some secret or withholding some information.</i> <i>You may not be facing up to a situation or dealing with some issue.</i> However, you may be getting ready to reveal something and confess before somebody finds out.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream that you are walking through an alley represents<i> a dead-end. You feel that you have missed out on some opportunity in life.</i> Alternatively, the dream denotes that your reputation is in jeopardy. <span style="font-size: small;"><i>You feel that you are on the outside.</i></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream that you are alone indicates <i>feelings of rejection</i>. <i>You may be feeling that no one understands you.<span style="color: black; font-size: small;"> </span></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To see only the feet being chased in your dream suggests that <i>you are letting others determine where you go or decide on your goals.</i> <i>You are lacking control over the direction of your own life. </i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To see a fence in your dream signifies <i>an obstacle or barrier that may be standing on your path. You may feel confined and restricted in expressing yourself. Are you feeling fenced in some situation or confined in some relationship?</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream that you are climbing to the top of a fence denotes success. If you climb over the fence, then it indicates that you will accomplish your desires via not so legitimate means. If you dream that you are on the fence, then the dream may be a metaphor indicating that <i>you undecided about something.</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream that you fall from a fence denotes that <i>you are in way over your head in regards to some project which you are dealing with.</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream that you are in a fight indicates<i> inner turmoil.</i> <i>Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself.</i> <i>Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard.</i> It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life. If you are fighting to the death, then it refers to <i>your refusal to acknowledge some waking conflict or inner turmoil.</i> You are unwilling to change your old attitudes and habits.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To dream that someone is stealing something from you indicates that <i>you are experiencing an identity crisis or are suffering from some sort of loss in your life.</i> Alternatively, the dream means that someone has stolen your success or has taken credit for something you did. <i>Perhaps you feel that you have been treated unfairly.</i></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As you can see, there were many symbols in my dream and all of them are interconnected. Disconnect with self. Needing to reconnect with self. Feeling overwhelmed, insecure, let down, rejected, betrayed, guilty, shocked, disappointed, bitter, taken advantage of, treated unfairly, trapped, aggressive but not aggressive enough, powerless, loss, treated unfairly.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My struggle to say how I feel instead of just talking about a situation and hoping someone understands, shows itself plainly in my subconscious. My subconscious is telling me how I feel. What I need to work on. There's a lot, but it is all connected to the same situations. From this I can see that yes, I do feel strong guilt. I am guilty of things, but that is not all I feel. Strangely, it is the only thing I focus on in my waking life. My friends, the handful who have stuck by me through the worst of the worst, always tell me how big my heart is. How deeply I love. How much I give and give to those I care about even if that care is not returned. I always tell them they are full of it, but I'm starting to understand that they are not. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In my waking life, I only deal with the what I did wrong. I only acknowledge my faults. I hold those I love and care about on a pedestal of no wrong doing. I take the blame for it all. Every bit of it. The broken hearts and friendships and trust. I accept 100% of the blame. I carry 100% of the guilt, but that cannot possibly be true. If it were 100% my fault, I would not feel let down or rejected or betrayed or shocked or taken advantage of or treated unfairly. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, I see just a bit clearer the aspects I need to work on. I need to not view those I love on a pedestal. I need to see them as flawed, too. I need to allow myself to acknowledge that I am not the only one to blame in the destruction of former friendships, the loss of which I am still trying to accept, process, and move on from. I need to allow myself to feel those things openly without regret or self-hatred because I am allowed to feel wronged and betrayed too. They do not get to hold the monopoly on those feelings and make me feel I am the scum of the earth. I have to stop blaming myself for everything that goes wrong and putting more and more weight on myself that isn't mine to carry. I need to let them carry their own guilt for a change. I have enough on my own. I don't need theirs, and it is not healthy for me to take it on. Plus, it doesn't change anything. They hate me regardless of whether I take all the blame or not.</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-9016869082279022082017-01-21T11:57:00.001-05:002017-01-21T11:57:40.594-05:00Words vs. ActionsI hear it all the time: "I do not trust words. I trust actions." I understand the sentiment, but I wonder if these people understand that the act of reaching out to you with words is also an action. I also wonderful they realize that for me, reaching out with words, is one of the hardest actions I will ever do.<br />
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<ol>
<li>Saying "Thank you." Having had my medications adjusted and some time to work on my recovery, I have found myself wanting to tell people "thank you." The ones who called the cops. The ones who sat with me while I sobbed. The ones who didn't leave when it got increasingly dark. The ones who did leave for their own sake. Why? Because I honestly owe them my life. I was that far gone. I saw no signs, no way out, just an all-encompassing darkness ready to consume me. I do not say thank you to these people out of need or necessity to have them in my life or to come back into my life. I say thank you because I truly, sincerely mean it, and for nothing else. And usually it comes to me to say it when I have just finished meditating or a behavioral worksheet. It comes in the moments when my mind is most clear and my heart the most open. </li>
<li>Telling you about how I feel. I still struggle to say how I feel without describing the situation that led me to said feeling or speaking in circle because I am unsure what the feeling is, but I know it is there and needs to be expressed. So, I chose you. I actively chose you. If someone picks up the phone to contact you about something important to them, that is an action. They chose you, out of everyone else they know. They chose you. They trusted you. Have faith in that.</li>
<li>Apologies. This is the real kicker isn't it. I mean, you may not see me curled into a ball on my kitchen floor, my head pressed against the side of the cabinets to keep me from falling over, sobbing my eyes out because I know I have hurt you. All you see are the words I text you in that moment. To you, I could be out at a party with my friends like "Watch this!" I can guarantee you, I am not. If I am apologizing to you, it's because I have beaten myself up about it for minutes, hours, days, weeks, sometimes months and years. </li>
<li>The biggest one for me, however, is that I am a creative person who uses words as her outlet. I use words to express myself in all facets of my life. It's hard to consider yourself a writer without it. Hell, as an actor, I needed words. Words were the foundation. Take the words the playwright gives you, assess them for text and subtext and throughlines, use the power of those desires to drive your actions, and speak the words provided. I read a lot. In reading you are interpreting the words into a story and relating so honestly with the MC at times that you feel you are her/him. Words are an undeniable part of my life, like breathing and my mental illnesses. They are an inherent way of how I express and relate. If you tell me you do not trust my words, you might as well tell me you do not trust me, because I use words to tell my truth. Words, to me, are a gift given to us to allow us to connect. </li>
</ol>
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Besides, people can talk about action all they want, but when you need them, and I mean really need them, where are they? </div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-25948032460931377322017-01-05T19:36:00.000-05:002017-01-05T19:36:06.041-05:00More Than OverthinkingI have spent a lot of time trying to determine what my next post would be. I tossed around a few ideas that I hope to get to; however, sometimes the weight of the illnesses is too much for the happy stuff.<div>
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I'm not in the throws of it just yet, but I can feel it coming. The tightening of my chest. The desire to sleep all the time. The inability to force myself to sew for more than just a few minutes. (There will be many posts about my use of quilting as a coping mechanism. I promise.) The sense of dread that I feel deep within my bones. But, the biggest warning sign for me, the one I'm learning to pick up on the fastest, is the rapid flipping from content to emotional disaster to numb.</div>
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Take today at work:</div>
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I was fine. I was doing my job, knocking out a massive project. Not happy. Not sad. Just content with my work when suddenly I am crying because I miss someone so much. Completely out of nowhere, the thought came into my mind, the panic crept into my chest, and before I could use mindfulness to gain some sort of control, I was sobbing. It happened in a matter of seconds. Of course, then I proceeded to get frustrated at myself because</div>
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<ol>
<li>I was crying.</li>
<li>I wasn't able to gain control in time to stop it.</li>
<li>I missed the person.</li>
<li>I felt guilty because my illnesses are the reason the person left, as far as I know.</li>
<li>I don't actually know that 4 is true so I was assuming.</li>
<li>It doesn't matter if it is an assumption, the person left and it fucking hurts.</li>
<li>It shouldn't hurt the person left.</li>
<li>But it does hurt and there's nothing I can do to fix it.</li>
<li>I should be able to fix it.</li>
<li>If I talked to the person I could fix it.</li>
<li>I've tried talking to the person, the person isn't interested in fixing it.</li>
<li>I don't actually know that the person isn't interested in fixing it and am making assumptions again.</li>
<li>I need to stop making assumptions and just accept that the person left.</li>
<li>But I need closure.</li>
<li>I'll probably never get closure.</li>
<li>I have wasted so much time upset about this and dwelling on it. Now, I'm going to get behind on my work.</li>
<li>Does it really matter if I get behind? It's not like I'm probably not getting fired tomorrow.</li>
<li>I probably am getting fired tomorrow.</li>
<li>If I get fired, I won't be able to pay rent.</li>
<li>Where will I live?</li>
<li>How will I survive?</li>
<li>Why is this happening?</li>
<li>Damn it! Calm down! Just breathe.</li>
<li>It's ok. You are ok. You are just sick. This isn't you.</li>
<li>But what if this is me?</li>
<li>No wonder that person left! I wouldn't want to deal with me either.</li>
<li>That person seriously doesn't give two shits about me. </li>
<li>But what if he/she does?</li>
<li>If I could just get better. If I weren't sick, that person would still be part of my life.</li>
<li>FUCK! Stop crying! Stop thinking about it! Just work.</li>
<li>Work.</li>
<li>Work.</li>
<li>Work.</li>
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All of those thoughts went speeding through my head in about 2 minutes. That's what it is like. Not every day hits that level, but this was a fairly "normal" day. This is my normal. I have better days. I also have worse days... far worse, and I am so thankful it wasn't one of those days. </div>
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Depression is sinking in quickly. I know it is, and I am fighting it with all my might. It just exacerbates the BPD symptoms and leads me down a path that I recognize and do NOT want to tread again. </div>
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If you see me in one of those moments... If I reach out to you for a hand, try to refrain from saying things like, "Stop overthinking it," or "You are better off without him/her," or "Just calm down." It is far more than simply overthinking or not knowing my worth or being out of control. It will pass. I'm finally grasping the fact that those moments do, indeed, pass. Sometimes, I just need someone to sit with me in the dark until it does. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-80422022040681344772017-01-01T00:56:00.002-05:002017-01-01T00:56:16.275-05:00Challenge Accepted! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-73212585957261854912017-01-01T00:07:00.002-05:002017-01-01T00:07:30.476-05:00Meet Me on the Road to Recovery2016 has been a rough year for everyone. I am not sure I know a single person who has not faced a major struggle this year, myself included. However, with struggle comes growth... or at least that is what they tell me.<br />
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The truth is, I have grown exponentially this year. I met people who truly cared about my well-being. People who wanted to see me get help. </div>
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See, I have fought mental illness the majority of my adult life, but I had always been too afraid to seek professional help. Too afraid to be diagnosed. Too afraid for people to see me differently. In reality, no one needs to know my diagnosis unless I choose to tell them, and the stigma surrounding mental illnesses had help me back for too long. So, here I am, telling stigma to fuck off, and professing my diagnoses loudly and proudly to the world. It's a long story, but I hope you will stick with me until the end. I say this not because I need people. I am learning to let the need for validation go. I say this because the more we educate ourselves regarding mental and other invisible illnesses, the more we can do our part to lift the stigma so others do not do what I did for so long... refuse to seek treatment.<br />
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Let's start with a little background information.</div>
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November 8th, 2007: I moved in with my best friend. I was in love with him, and he was in love with me. He told me once, honestly and openly, but he said we would destroy each other if we tried to be together romantically. He was right, to an extent. We did destroy each other, but we were never romantically involved.<br />
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April 20, 2008: We were evicted. He packed up and left without a trace. My heart was shattered. At the time, I didn't see that I had been a pawn in his con. All I knew was that the man I loved more than anyone else in the entire world got in a U-Haul, drove away, and did not reach out to me for almost a year. When he did reach out to talk to me, I was so angry. I told him I could forgive everything, but I couldn't forgive him for the icy wall I had built around my heart in his absence. He told me that was my choice. He was right. The icy fortress I had built around my heart and my soul to protect myself from feeling the pain of his leaving, the drugs and alcohol I used to numb myself... all of that was my fault. I had done it to myself. Eight years ago, I blamed him. Eight years ago, I loved him. Eight years ago, I was trying to hang onto him in any way I possibly could. I refused to believe he was gone.<br />
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Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one... and we're here. 2016. Well, we are technically one hour and thirteen minutes from 2017, but stick with me.<br />
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This past year, I forged friendships with two co-workers. These people saw through my facade, saw the damage and the sickness that lived within, and wanted to help. They earned my trust. I told them more than I had told anyone, including my former roommate of seven years, up until now. They convinced me to get help. They wanted me to be okay. However, their story is not my story. They were as supportive as they could be. Mental illness can be just as taxing on the members of the patient's support system, as it is on the patient. (This is something I learned the hard way.) All the same, I will always appreciate and never forget the part they played in my story. They will always have a place in my heart, even though they no longer have a place in my life.<br />
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In March, I developed a crush on someone I never should have developed romantic feelings for. It happens, even to the best of us. I have never been able to read social cues. One of the downfalls to borderline personality disorder. I became really invested, but not so invested that I was willing to wreck this woman's current relationship. I have morals. I may misread social cues on the regular, but I understand the difference between feeling something and pursuing it. It dissipated around the end of July. No romantic feelings for this person since; however, I let myself feel. See, the aforementioned people had earned my trust, and I began to break down that icy exterior. I had no idea there were so many suppressed emotions hidden inside me, and I definitely had no idea what would happen or even how to begin to cope when they all came bubbling to the surface.<br />
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April, May, June: I spent almost every free moment I had helping a myriad of friends through their own emotional garbage. I thought I was doing good. I thought I was helping them. Maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't. Their stories are not mine. What I do know is that I was in no way helping myself. I was merely distracting myself from a mountain of emotional garbage, through which I did not want to sort.<br />
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Sometime in mid-July, the exhaustion of running from myself and my emotions began to take control. I felt worthless and empty or I felt so much pain I couldn't breathe or move. I believed everyone would be better off if I did not exist. My illnesses told me they didn't even notice me, that they didn't love me, that I was a burden. My brain told me I should die, and I wanted to. I wanted to build my icy fortress back around me to shut off that voice in my head, and at the same time, I didn't. This wasn't the first time I had experienced depression, but it was the first time I had fallen this far in such a relatively short amount of time. I finally went to see a counselor at the urging of the aforementioned friends. The counselor immediately referred me to a PCP to be prescribed anti-depressants. I would say they worked for a while, but that would be a lie. I wanted people to believe I was okay. I wanted them to think I had changed because I was terrified they would tire of me and leave. Another BPD moment: fear of perceived or real abandonment and frantic efforts to prevent that abandonment which, in turn, usually causes the abandonment one feared in the first place. It's a vicious cycle.<br />
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It takes constant effort on my part to prevent that cycle and many other cycles my brain wants to force me to accept as reality. Multiple times a day, every single day, I have to employ mindfulness and tell my brain to shut up. I have to recognize that the thoughts are only thoughts. That what other people think of me is in no way a reflection on me. I have to remind myself that recovery is a process. It isn't easy. For anyone without a mental illness reading this who thinks, <i>What's the big deal? I have to do that too. </i>Yes, you do. Everyone has to do that from time to time. It's a normal coping mechanism. It is usually such an insignificant part in "normal" every day life, that you don't even realize you are doing it. My brain chemistry, through major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, does not allow me to function in that way. Everything has to be at a heightened state of consciousness. In an 8 hour work day, I typically practice mindfulness 96 times. For those of you counting, that is an average of once every five minutes. On top of that, I am performing my work duties, which, not to sound prideful, but I'm pretty damn good at. It's mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. So, for those of you still in my supportive system, please understand that I am doing the best I can. Practice makes perfect, but if you invite me to do something, don't be offended if I cancel. Also, please please please do not automatically think I have experienced another breakdown that led to hospitalization. Most of the time, especially now that I am properly medicated, it is just that I am exhausted and just want to relax with quilting and Netflix.<br />
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Back to the year...<br />
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August through late October was a downward spiral. Most of which, I only remember bits and pieces. People kept trying to get me to say what I felt, and I couldn't.<br />
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I'm now learning how to do that. I consciously use "I feel" statements. I hate them. I hate the way they feel in my mouth, but I make myself say them anyway because when I look past the stereotypical therapy aspect, they do work. I feel like a tool, but if it helps me in my recovery, I will do whatever it takes.<br />
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Anyway, I tried to tell people how I felt, but situations were all I could talk about. I thought if I explained a situation enough time, they would somehow figure out what it was I was trying to say, even though, I didn't even know what I was trying to say. Then, at the end of October, I broke over and over and over again. "I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. Will this kill me? Will this? What if I did this?"<br />
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I had a similar breakdown in July to one person. I trusted this person more than I have trusted anyone since the best friend I loved in 2007/2008. I still trust this person. However, our friendship ended shortly after my birthday in August. I blamed myself. I took all responsibility because I always feel like everything is my fault. I am now learning that I cannot be responsible for all of it. His choices are his. They are not a reflection of me, regardless of how I feel about it.<br />
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I said those words to the right people apparently. For the first time since July, someone reached out to authorities for help. In fact, I got to see the police twice in a 24 hour period. This led to my 3-day hospital stay, which I will never EVER do again. Maybe some of those places are nice or even close to helpful, this one was not that for me. However, the moment I sprinted out that doorway, I tried to jump right back into my life like normal. That was a mistake they had warned me about. When they say, "Take it slow," you should listen to that advice. This led to a terrible breakdown in the middle of Red Lobster.<br />
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November 8th, 2016: My last major breakdown occurred. External forces beyond my control plus facing the anniversary of the day "the best friend I was in love with" and I moved in together, which also happened to be his birthday, for the first time in 8 years, mixed together into a breakdown that flowed right into a breakthrough.<br />
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I'm not saying I have perfected any of this. I haven't. Maybe my meds finally interacted in my brain chemistry in the correct way. Maybe I became more determined to beat this. Maybe I accepted the fact that I had lost enough and wanted to fight. I'm not sure what caused the shift, but I know it happened. Here I am, and I want to share this journey with you, the readers I may or may not have. I know I won't post everyday. I'll try for once a week. I may only achieve three post in one year, but I want to share my journey. I want others to know that they are not alone in their journey. Each of us has our own unique journey to walk, but we do not have to do it alone, even when the ones you thought would be there aren't, you cannot take it personally. You must keep fighting. You must keep pushing. You are strong. You are enough.<br />
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My name is Sarah, and this is my road to recovery.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-66609169614009609182015-05-04T15:28:00.001-04:002015-05-04T15:28:08.497-04:00Listen...I don't often write about spiritual or religious beliefs on the blog. Mainly because those are my own personal business/relationships. I have had a particular belief system forced upon me most of my life, and I do not want to do that to another soul for as long as I live. A person's relationship or lack thereof with a higher power is of their concern and not for any other person to judge.<br />
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I've read and studied many different religions and spiritual beliefs. To me, they all contain beauty and mystique and a great level of faith. To me, they are all important. Each and every one has added some insight into the human condition for me. They are fascinating.<br />
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But... that is not what this post is about. This post is about listening to the universe, God, nature, the voice inside yourself, etc.<br />
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I have been attempting to lose weight off and on since high school. Back then, I was doing it for boys to like me. In college, my mindset was the same. A few years ago that changed, and I started trying to lose weight in order to love myself. None of those reasons stuck.<br />
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Then, last year, I decided to try it again... for my health and happiness. Guess what? It has stuck, and in the meantime, I have begun to learn how to love myself. Not because I'm thin... because I'm far from it. But, because I have to love myself in order to better myself. Have I lost a significant amount of weight? Well, 20 lbs is significant, but when I think that I still have 115 left to lose, I want to cry. So, I binge on food/soda. Then, I binge on workouts, and I keep off the 20 lbs I have lost, but I don't lose anymore than that. It's a deadly cycle because in the end it is my health at stake, and lately, I've been reminded of that everywhere I turn.<br />
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Heart disease, asthma, diabetes, cancer... these are a few of the health concerns that run in my family. Thoughts of these enter my mind a few times per day. I do not actively think of them. They just appear, spark something inside of me, and then disappear. This has been happening for well over a month.<br />
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Then, at work yesterday, a colleague and I were having a conversation. She quit smoking 88 days ago, which is AWESOME, and just started talking to me about it. She told me how she had been sick. A conversation between herself and her mother. She spoke, and I listened. Then, she said. "The Lord was speaking to me," and it was like time stopped. So, that's it! All my puzzle pieces began to fall into place. The thoughts of illness. The desire to get out of the house and enjoy nature. The terror that consumes me when I hear my father complain in pain because I'm afraid he's having a heart attack. My own pain from carrying around more weight than is healthy for my own joints. All of this is just part of the plan to get me where I need to be. The universe/God/nature/etc. wants me to be healthy. Wants me to do this just as badly as I want to do this.<br />
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Sometimes, when you've meditated and prayed on something for so long without hearing anything or seeing any kind of sign, you can begin to question your own faith, your own beliefs. Then, in a single moment, it can be answered. Am I magically thin now? No! That's not how it works... at least not in my belief system. BUT... I feel more composed and more in control of my own life than I have ever felt. I know I can do this. I have faith in myself and in my belief system. I know it will be a lot of work. I will be pushed to my limits only to defy them, but I will not give up.<br />
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"I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Phillippians 4:13 -- I have a new found love for this verse.<br />
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"But, Sarah, I'm not religious," some of you may say.<br />
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Guess what? THAT IS OK! You do not have to be religious to find inspiration or strength in a religious text. You do not have to be religious to have faith in yourself! Believe me, if I sat down with most of the people in my family and explained my belief system to them, I would probably be stoned to death. Why? Because they do not see faith the same way I see faith. They do not understand spirituality in the same why I understand spirituality. They do not walk the same road or have the same relationship with the divine that I have, and I am happy about that! If they did, we'd all be living the same lives and that would be so boring!<br />
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It doesn't matter what you believe, how you worship, if you worship, whether you meditate or pray, or only believe in science.<br />
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Just love yourself. Love who you are. If you do not like something about yourself, take the steps to change it, but never forget it. Those pieces shape us into who we are and who we are going to be. Put your faith in you or the universe or God. Do what feels right to you! Do what is right FOR you! Just take the time to listen because there may be a voice inside of you cheering you along on your way.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-868462029097027862015-03-15T01:26:00.002-04:002015-03-15T01:26:57.321-04:00Ch-Ch-Ch-ChangesWOW! Hello again, blog! I am so sorry I have neglected you for so long! Let me tell you... it has been CRAZY in my life since my last post! For the most part, it has all been uphill, too!<br /><br />
In November '14, I left my job. That's right! I left. Ten years with a company, and after many applications and interviews, I landed a part-time job in a different town. PROS: I LEFT A JOB I HATED! I also started a job I enjoy. CON: I had to move back in with my parents.<br />
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I'm not saying that living with my parents is necessarily bad. It has its benefits. However, I strive to be an independent woman. I'm also a bit of a lone wolf. I enjoyed the freedom I had after I left here many years ago. Moving back here has caused me to feel like a high school student again. I try to follow their house rules because it is their house. But, I count myself as very blessed to have parents who would take me back in while I get my bearings on this new path.<br />
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In January of this year, I received and accepted a job offer at a local community college, and I could not be happier! Is it theatre? No, it is not. However, I find myself helping people every single day. These people come from different walks of life. They each have their own stories and struggles, and they fascinated me. It is beyond satisfying to help someone better themselves, not because they are expected to but because they want to! It has been a thrilling and rewarding ride!<br />
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So, where am I now?<br />
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Well, I'm currently still at my parents' house. Both of my "paying" jobs are part-time, so I could not leave one to go to the other. Instead, I work both. It still doesn't allow me to participate in theatre, but fingers crossed, the college position will turn full-time. If that happens, I will definitely be able to fully submerge myself in theatre again.<br />
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This does not mean I haven't been participating when I can. I've auditioned. I have consulted with an arts center about possibly teaching a few classes. I have volunteered to assistant direct a show. I cannot get to every rehearsal, but I go when I can. The director is very laid back and understanding of my situation. Everything is moving forward. It's not perfect, but it is better. For once, I feel as if I am in the exact place I am supposed to be at this time. Life is a journey, and we're all just along for the ride. Let's make the best of it!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-87407136787022376602014-10-15T00:33:00.001-04:002014-10-15T00:33:24.083-04:0028 going on 90This post is brought to you by three things:<br />
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<li>Binge watching <i>Gilmore Girls</i></li>
<li>The cast recording of the Broadway musical <i>If/Then</i></li>
<li>My own reflection</li>
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I have been watching and listening to the first two religiously lately. I have yet to tire of belting "Always Starting Over" whenever and wherever I can, even it that means while standing outside my workplace during a break. </div>
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However, this thought really came to mind when I had just finished the episode of <i>Gilmore Girls</i> when Rory is researching the Life and Death Brigade. At the end of the episode, she asks Lorelei if she is too safe? If she's a mouse? That stuck with me because I am. I do not take risks. I've been at the same job since I graduated high school, and even though I have BIG dreams, I know I'll never achieve them for the simple fact that I am too afraid to chase them. I'll never even come close to them. I sit complaining that I am stuck because I'm not brave enough to do ANYTHING. </div>
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I turned off Netflix and decided to go to bed because the sheer thought that I am that terrified of life was too depressing. So, I came upstairs and started to get ready for bed. As I stood there, staring at my reflection as I brushed my hair, I thought to myself, "Who is that old woman?" I'm old. I mean, I understand that 28 is not OLD, but I'm not talking about my actual age. I got my first grey hair at the age of 16. My face is covered in wrinkles and looks weathered. How I feel on the inside is showing in my physical appearance. My fear, my stress, my inability to love myself... it's all there, written on my face for everyone to see. </div>
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My entire life, I have been told "You have an old soul." I believe that now more than ever. Have I made childish mistakes? Yes. Of course I have, but for the most part, I have done nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing extreme. I can't even find the strength within me to follow my one true passion in life. I'm feeble and weak. I go through life as if I've already LIVED, but I haven't. I'm not 90. I'm 28. I have done absolutely nothing with my life. I have to move back in with my parents' after my roommate graduates for crying out loud. I have no outlook for the future. It simply doesn't exists because in my mind, I'm going to die any moment now because I'm old and decaying prematurely. </div>
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"Well, what are you going to do about that?" is probably what all of you are thinking. I always have some sort of positive spin for these sort of posts. But, tonight, I don't. I don't have a positive spin.</div>
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I spend every single moment I am in public putting up some sort of appearance of happiness. (My positive spin for the public.) Then, I looked in the mirror tonight and realized that there's no way I'm fooling anyone. If they see the face I saw in the mirror tonight, they see the torment and the struggle and the pain. If they see that face, they must know all the "happy things" I say are false. Put there to convince them (or even myself) that I am someone who is strong and brave and happy. I'm not fooling anyone, and if I am, I must be a better actor than I have ever given myself credit for being. Because, even though it is my passion, I've never thought I was very good at it either. </div>
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So... if you have a positive spin... I'm all ears. (or eyes in this case I guess) Because I'm honestly at a loss. If I weren't allergic to cats, I'd just go ahead and adopt 50 because that's how I've been living life since high school (minus a year or two in college)</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-45446506150397594222014-09-28T21:52:00.003-04:002014-09-28T21:52:49.481-04:00Light in the DarkUnfortunately, this post is going to be mostly sadness with little to no glitter. Sorry.<br />
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My current employment has really begun to get the best of me. When I have the weekend off, I feel so good on Saturday. It's a sort of freedom, peace, tranquility, that fills my heart with such a relief. It's so relaxing, which could a product of the fact that I do absolutely nothing on Saturday. I binge watch Netflix, play a game or two... sometimes, I sew a little, but for the most part I do NOTHING! I do nothing because I lack the energy to do anything. The stress and headache and panic attacks and everything that builds up over the week completely drains me of everything that is ME.<br />
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Then, Sunday happens, and I have LOTS of energy. I usually get up early and clean or go shopping. Something that provides some sort of joy. But, around 3PM every Sunday, the dread sets in. I'm not talking a "I don't want to go work" sort of dread. I mean.. the panic attacks, the crying, the hyperventilating, the physically noticeable increase in heart rate. All I have to do is THINK "I have to go to work tomorrow" and I feel like my chest is going to cave in on itself.<br />
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The worst part is that my actual JOB is not hard. Customer service, prep, clean, order, count... rinse and repeat. Nothing special. Nothing exceptionally difficult. But, I've been doing it for so long, and the people... Well, I won't air their dirty laundry here, but I will say that I receive no respect but they respect it from me in return.<br />
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I lie in bed every morning of the week and cry. I've honestly wanted and considered death as a way of escape because it has just become too much. I set a personal panic attack record of 6 in a 2 hour time span. It's getting to a point that I'm not sure escape exists. How do I get out?<br />
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Well, I've applied for countless jobs. I've only received two interviews, and honestly when the second one called, I could barely even remember applying. I apply for anything and everything that isn't food service. Not a lie. Retail. Sales. Administrative. Banking. No option is worse than what I currently have, and honestly, I just NEED out!<br />
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No one should feel this way. No job, especially when you are spending nearly 50 hours a week doing it, should cause a person this much distress. Not a job that a high schooler can and does have. Hell! I began working for this company when I graduated high school. It helped me pay rent and such all the way through college. After college, when I needed a job FAST and was having no luck, the company took me back, gave me 2 promotions... and now I'm at a dead end. I can go no further, and even if I could I wouldn't want to because of the treatment I've received. This past week not excluded.<br />
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A coworker told me, a couple weeks ago, that I was "wound up tighter than an 8-day clock." (Yes, we quote Reefer Madness to each other.) When, I replied with the following line, "One too many giggle sticks," she replied, "More like not enough." One should not have to do drugs in order to not go crazy at their job. One should have a balance of work and life. Yes, our jobs are important, but they are NOT who we are. WE, as people, are SO MUCH MORE! Granted... I do not believe my job is important. No one is going to starve because I am not there to make their food. In fact, no one would starve if the store wasn't there at all. The fact that someone would tell me that makes me wonder what we, as the human race, are doing with our lives. Numbing ourselves will drugs or drinks or what have you just to not care so much.<br />
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Well, I do care! I care because I know I am better than the way I have been treated. I'm better than secret phone calls and disrespect and blame for things that weren't even my fault. I'm better than what I do to pay the bills because I am MORE than what I do to pay the bills. I am just an important as anyone else in the world or else, I wouldn't be here.<br />
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I had "Frustration" has the title of this post, but I changed it to "Light in the Dark" because as I continued to type I realized how much I have grown in the past few months. I have hope, even though it may not seem like it, but I do. I have hope that I am finding the person I am, who I was always meant to be. I have searched, almost my entire life, for the approval of other, but I don't need it. I am good enough for me. I cannot benefit others if I do not benefit myself. It has been a HARD lesson to learn, but I'm learning it a little more every day. With every tear I shed, every increase in heart rate, I stand a little taller.<br />
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Yes... I have panic attacks. Yes, I cry. Yes, I feel lost, and things are very, very dark right now... However, this is not the end of me. I am not dead yet. I am being beaten down and dragged through the mud, and thrown to the rocky bottom below... but I am not dead yet! I will continue to persevere. I will continue to live. I will learn how to be me. I will find another job. It will happen, but for now, I will be filled with a dread that causes me to cry and ache and not be able to breathe.<br />
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So, if you find yourself in one of these situations... do NOT give up. Learn. Stand tall. Breathe... no matter how shallow the breaths may be. Cry, if you need to. Scream. But, above all... FIGHT! Fight for yourself because no one is going to do it for you. Fight to find yourself. Fight to become your own light in the dark!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-59150752613928258652014-09-01T12:30:00.004-04:002014-09-01T12:30:38.203-04:00Secondary Blog!I've started a secondary blog dedicated to my Herbalife journey. Follow the link below to check it out and subscribe!!!<br />
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<a href="http://herbasarah.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">http://herbasarah.blogspot.com/</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-6492226392870986862014-08-24T22:50:00.000-04:002014-08-24T22:50:54.234-04:00Change of SceneryHello, all!<br />
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I'm back! I apologize for being so out-of-touch for so long. Here's the quick updates:<br />
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<li>Yes, I'm still an Herbalife Health Coach.</li>
<li>Yes, I'm still losing weight.</li>
<li>Yes, I'm still working on being the best version of myself that I can be.</li>
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With that last one in mind, here's the long part of the update. </div>
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I have been unhappy in my current position for a while. I'm in a dead end job (this is not Herbalife) in a town that I hate. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I am in the process of taking that aspect of my life into my own hands. </div>
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My roommate graduates in December, which means I'm free! I'm currently on the job hunt. Honestly, I apply to an average of 2-3 jobs per day. I need to get out of this town ASAP. I need a change of scenery. I need something new. </div>
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Sometimes, I get discouraged, especially when I'm not being called for interviews. However, I'm keeping faith. I know there will be an interview. I know there is a job out there for me. I just have to keep the faith and keep applying. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-76952681097980307382014-07-06T16:13:00.003-04:002014-07-06T16:13:53.922-04:00Some progress!It has been too long since my last post. I am terribly sorry about that. However, there have been many changes in my life and my free time has been somewhat cut short.<br />
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Today, I decided to make a photo collage from when I first started my weight loss journey with Herbalife in March to the last full photo taken of me last month. The difference isn't very distinct, but it is inspiring. I'm so proud of my progress because it's mine! It is a product of my dedication to my health, and I could not be happier.<br />
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Here's the collage. It's embarrassing to show these old picture, especially the profile shot. However, they are pictures of a person I will never be again.<br />
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Have questions about products? Ask me. Want to lose weight or gain muscles? Ask me. I'm beginning to open up about my journey and hoping to inspire others. </div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-64723270130267017112014-06-25T20:55:00.000-04:002014-06-25T20:55:21.466-04:00Cravings!!So... the cravings won today. Yesterday, I battled and won a ferocious Sonic craving. What do I crave from Sonic you may ask? Sausage, egg, and cheese breakfast burritos and a chocolate java chiller shake. I could have that every day. I'm not kidding. It's a problem, especially considering I don't like chocolate. Honestly, ask any of my friends how many times they've seen me eat chocolate. It's very rare. However, the mixture of espresso and ice cream with just a little chocolate syrup is like heaven for this fat kid!<br />
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Anyway... today at work all I wanted was pepperoni. NOT KIDDING! It was intense. I resisted all day. Then, I came home and was so hungry. I have meals prepped. That's not the problem. I just didn't want it. All I wanted was pepperoni. So, after 2 days of craving a cheat meal, I indulged and ordered a pizza which my roommate will have to finish eating. I'm not going to lie... it was possibly the BEST few pieces (I get square cut) of pizza I've ever had. I think that's because I haven't given into cravings yet. However, with tomorrow being 1 week since my restart on my program, it seemed like a good time for a cheat meal. We SHOULD have cheat meals! They make us feel as if we aren't denying ourselves. Not sure about any of you, but anytime I feel denied something I get angry, frustrated, and end up quitting. This weight loss plan is not about denying myself things I like. I very much like pizza, but I shouldn't eat it every day or even every weekend.<br />
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Will I regret this decision? Probably... only for the sluggish, gross feeling that will follow eating something so greasy when I've been eating clean and healthy. I'm not going to lie, I've been feeling better with even just a week of lifestyle change. Can you imagine a month from now? Two? A year? I cannot, but I'm so excited to see what happens!<br />
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The point... sometimes you have to give into the cravings just for a meal every week or so.<br />
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Also, my latest order just came in and I am so excited to have my new flavor of tea (I got peach this time) and to add protein to my shakes! I honestly cannot wait to wake up in the morning to test them out! TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT!<br />
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Well... keep it sassy!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-34811487642396392082014-06-24T05:37:00.002-04:002014-06-24T05:37:23.757-04:00First Mini Goal: ACHIEVED!!!The first of my mini weight loss goals is here! After months and months, I am finally there, and it feels amazing!<br />
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I know I have many more of these "mini" goals to reach along my journey but to have reached one is an achievement. I feel very proud of myself.<br />
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That's it for now! I just wanted to share that bit of news with you!<br />
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Keep it Sassy!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-47056502724799438712014-06-22T21:17:00.002-04:002014-06-22T21:17:51.393-04:00Bedtime RitualI'm starting a new ritual, and by starting, I mean I've been doing this the past few nights. It's something that helps remind me why I'm doing this every single night. It also keeps me from grabbing some unhealthy late night snack.<br />
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Every night when I'm trying to wind down from the day I make a cup of "Sleepytime" tea. If you've never had it, it is AMAZING! I put just a touch of organic honey in it. It calms me down and gets me ready for sleep.<br />
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Then, I watch weight loss motivational videos. They are the main reminder that "I can do this." Other people have accomplished their fitness goals or are well on their way, and I am not alone. I enjoy hearing what other people have to say to encourage and motivate me. Granted I know it's not personally for me, but it's encouraging all the same.<br />
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Have a nice night! I'll probably have another post tomorrow.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-55941089300887190192014-06-22T10:22:00.002-04:002014-06-22T10:22:36.835-04:00Meal Prep Day #1Here I am! I've already taken my tabs. I'm in the process of finishing my tea and my WONDERFUL cafe latte shake! I honestly cannot say enough about how wonderful these products make me feel. I promise there will be an entire post on them in the future.<br />
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Yesterday, I sat down and made a meal plan. It looks a little something like this:<br />
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Monday: Shrimp, Brown Rice, Mixed Vegetables<br />
Tuesday: Chicken, Quinoa, Mixed Vegetables<br />
Wednesday: Shrimp, Brown Rice, Carrots, Peas<br />
Thursday: Chicken, Quinoa, Carrots, Peas<br />
Friday: Shredded Chicken, Brown Rice, Bell Pepper, Onion, and Tomato<br />
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I have already prepped up some snacks. I have cantaloupe, strawberries, and celery cut up and portioned out into ziploc bags. I also have single serving packs of greek yogurt, almonds, and craisins. I don't know about you, but for a person who was only eating one rather large meal a day, this seems like an awful lot of food. Eating small, portion controlled meals means more food, more nutrition than gorging yourself on one singular meal.<br />
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So, today... I PREP! I'm super excited about it. I bought everything I needed and more for less than $60. I'm not sure I've ever spent such a small amount of money when grocery shopping. I was very happy. I guess eating healthy can be affordable. I've just been looking at it all wrong. My favorite part of this is that I'm finally learning portion control. I swear! It is the most important part of it all. Before, I would eat the things listed in my plan BUT I would eat FAR too much of it! That's the thing about portion control I'm learning. You can eat things you like. You just have to eat the proper amount.<br />
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Yesterday also turned out to be my cheat meal day. I allow myself one cheat meal a week. Notice that I said "MEAL" not "DAY." There's a big difference! Another lesson I'm learning. Once a week, I go out to eat with my friend, Derek. Now, I could choose to eat healthy when we do that. I could get a salad or something off the "light" part of the menu, but I choose to make it my cheat meal every week. I think of it this way... <i>I eat out once a week. If I'm going to do a cheat meal, it might as well be then. </i>So, yesterday for dinner instead of having the meal I had already prepped (don't worry... it will be tonight's dinner) I had an artisan grilled chicken ciabatta sandwich and some loaded mashed potatoes. Yes! I could've just had plain mash or steamed veggies instead, but I just went for it because I LOVE loaded mashed potatoes. I also had tea, but it was unsweetened tea.<br />
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Well, I think that's about it for now. I may post again after all my prepping is over. Not sure yet, but I might. Maybe even post a picture. Remember... Keep it sassy!<br />
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--Sass<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-89555578823405263602014-06-21T12:21:00.001-04:002014-06-21T12:21:34.674-04:00Meal Prep... Prep?Hello everyone!<br />
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I'm back again for another update. This is one is going to be about MEAL PREP! *cue scary music*<br />
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For those who know me personally, you may know that I have a love/hate relationship with cooking. I honestly like to cook, but hate cleaning up. However, the main part of my hatred for cooking is trying to do it after I've done nothing but make food for other people for 8+ hours all day. So, to say I don't want to cook after that would be an understatement.<br />
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With my recent start up of getting healthy, I've decided to try meal prepping. I actually prepped 3 days worth the other day, (Today's dinner with be the last of that.) and it was easy. My roommate has decided he wants to start meal prepping as well. It's a lot easier to eat healthy when the person you live with isn't bringing home pizza, so YAY!<br />
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Today is dedicated to getting all the materials I need in order to prep meals for myself and my roommate. The number one thing being containers to store them in. I've also got to make sure there's room in the refrigerator for all of it. I'm not sure what I'll be making yet but it should be pretty simple. We already have some proteins in the freezer. I'm thinking chicken and shrimp... mixing it up a little. I've had baked chicken breasts the past 3 days, so the shrimp will be a nice change of pace. We've also got lots of those Birds Eye Steamfresh veggie bags. Those are definitely easy to make. Maybe add some brown rice or quinoa for starch purposes. I need to get some low-cal sauces. We already have some, but why not get a few different options. That's what we currently have. On top of that, I need to get some low-cal snacks. Some fruit, almonds, string cheese, etc. I'm not really sure yet, but that's what today is for.<br />
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Tomorrow, after it is all said and done, I'll post my menu for the week. Granted it won't look like much. I only eat one meal a day at the moment as well as snacks throughout the day. Before you start telling me how unhealthy only eating once a day is, take into consideration that I have 2 meal replacement shakes a day on Herbalife. I'll post more about that later. I promise. It's probably what everyone wants to know about!<br />
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Well, I think that's it for now. Time to go clean out the frig, do some dishes, make a shopping list, and hit the down.<br />
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Do you meal prep? What are your favorite meals? Let me know in the comments below! But, more than that... Keep it sassy!<br />
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--Sass<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-47042932985934538132014-06-20T19:02:00.001-04:002014-06-20T19:02:58.856-04:00What a Day!Today has been a "no good, very ill" (not bad) sort of day.<br />
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To say I haven't been feeling 100% this past week would be an understatement. I just thought it was because I was exhausted from things I cannot talk about.<br />
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Anyway... I haven't been feeling well the past few days, but today I got that clammy feeling you often get with fevers and complete body aches on top of the stomach issues I was already having. Yes... TMI, but I have a point.<br />
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After coming home and relaxing with some Tylenol in my system, I'm feeling a little better. Not much, but enough to blog about a revelation I had today.<br />
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I hate spending money. I mean, I will let the cabinets run empty. I will wait until my gas light comes on unless I'm on a road trip. I will avoid spending money at all costs, especially when I know I don't have much money to spare. However, today I placed another Herbalife order. I just ordered two things, but I ordered them. Basically, I'm running low on tea, and am in desperate need in some extra protein intake.<br />
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You have to make things a priority, sometimes. I'm making my health a priority even when I just want to curl into a ball with a Java Chiller Shake and a couple of breakfast burritos from Sonic. Really! That is ALL I want right now, but I'm resisting because I know it will not benefit me in the long run.<br />
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Well, I'm off to take care of some work related things. Just a few more things to take care of before I'm off for two days! Excitement for sleep abounds.<br />
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--SassUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-4885493073927669092014-06-19T20:41:00.001-04:002014-06-19T20:41:15.835-04:00Setting GoalsI've decided to post this here to keep me accountable. I can write it in a journal all I want, but I just seem to keep writing it and not doing it. If I think people <i>might </i>read it, then I <i>might</i> do better. I'm not saying I will or I won't, but I do think this will help.<br />
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My long term goals (and we're talking <b>LLLLLOOOOOONNNNNGGG</b>):<br />
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1. Lose approximately 115 lbs.<br />
2. Get with the 20-22% body fat range.<br />
3. Feel less self-conscious at the gym.<br />
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Granted... I know those are super long term goals, and if I think about them and only them, I'll fail before I even begin. So, I have mid-term goals:<br />
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1. Weigh UNDER 200 lbs.<br />
2. Run a marathon of some sort. (I'm not a runner. In fact, I hate running. However, I WANT to do this.)<br />
3. Get down to a size 16 again. (Yes, I want to get lower than that, but to think that was 8th grade is scary.)<br />
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Now, goals for the next month. By July 19th, I am aiming for:<br />
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1. A lose of 8-10 lbs.<br />
2. Going to the gym at least 2 times a week. (I know it's not a lot, but it's more than sitting at home.)<br />
3. Belt out my frustration at least once a week. (Not technically fitness-related, but it's mental health related.)<br />
4. Talk to my health coach when I feel less motivated than usual.<br />
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Are you trying to better yourself in some way? Looking to get fit or follow a dream? Leave a goal in the comments below. We'll mutually support each other!<br />
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Keep it sassy and covered in glitter!<br />
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--Sass<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-4594752789783647442014-06-19T17:23:00.001-04:002014-06-19T17:23:20.827-04:00RestartToday, I woke up early... as well I should considering I went to bed SUPER early. However, that's not the point. The point is I woke up early and decided it was time to get back into my weight loss routine. If you didn't know, I've been working on this for a while. I'll be really strong for a month or so, and then I'll slack off for a few months. NOT GOOD! NOT BENEFICIAL! The last time I was doing really well. I had lost almost 10 lbs. in 4 weeks, which is good for me.<br />
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So today has been a shake for breakfast and lunch day with a colorful meal for dinner, which I'm currently in the process of making. So, this will be short.<br />
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My biggest news today is that I did not have a single soda at work today! NOT A SINGLE SODA WAS HAD! I had one brief moment where I wanted a Sprite, but I resisted! I'm so excited!<br />
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So, that's it. This is the end!<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263471059574902046.post-70956093425551343252014-06-09T03:07:00.000-04:002014-06-09T03:07:05.894-04:00Tonys 2014It is 2:40 AM, and though, I am physically exhausted... I am wide awake!<br />
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If you know me at all, then you know I claim the day of the Tony Awards as a national holiday. I do not take them lightly. No one is to bother me on this day unless you want to discuss predictions, outcomes, performances, etc. It holds a higher value than Christmas to me. I've even been known to call the theatre church. If theatre is church, then Tonys Day is Christmas and Easter mass combined! It's that big of a deal for me. I go to the extent of taking the day after off work because I KNOW this will happen.<br />
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I'm awake... wide awake. I want to take on the world. I want to challenge any and every thing that tries to hold me down.<br />
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So... I sit here. I'm home from a wonderful night of Tonys viewing at my friend Jon's home, and I'm thrumming. The energies around me are palpitating. I'm alive. I'm full of inspiration and creativity. I want to create. I need to create. I need to celebrate this wonderful thing we call live theatre with the world!<br />
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I'm naturally pessimistic. I see the world as half-empty most times. People annoy me. I hate everything. In fact, I am usually against all sorts of social affairs, but this one is different. This is full of people who are like me in a way. They see and recognize and accept the wonder in the ability to show "people" how "people" are or should be. We are speakers and writers and lovers of truth in it's purest form. Most people find that an odd statement. My parents were often those people. "It's pretend." "It's make believe." "Playing dress up." "You need to grow up." ETC. We've all heard those phrases. But, it's not pretend or make believe or dress up. We do not need to grow up. No one tells a scientist to stop exploring. (Well, except for creationists.) It's hard to imagine that I live in a part of the world that preaches, literally, to live your life based entirely on faith, but will ridicule you for acting or composing music that isn't faith-based or writing your life down in a way so that it can be shared and maybe reach someone who is going through a similar struggle.<br />
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I said to my friends tonight that I often feel as if "my mind is too full of creativity to be contained in this small town." I asked them if they feel the same way. They looked at me with "DUH" written across their faces. However, if I asked this of most people from my hometown, they wouldn't understand what I was talking about. They'd think I was crazy.<br />
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Theatre is educational. Theatre is life. Theatre is truth, even if you do not want to accept that truth. It has taken me a long time to accept some truths I have learned in the theatre community or through a show I have seen or worked on. Some truths I still have a hard time accepting those truths. Sometimes I do not believe I deserve to chase my dreams. Sometimes, I have a hard time accepting the fact that the only person sabotaging my life is myself. But, at the core of all that, I am set free by theatre. It may suck at times. I might take such lessons for granted, but theatre has granted me the ability to do the one thing I know I can do. Share a little bit of truth, whether it is mine or a certain composer's or a playwright's. As Street Singer said in Brooklyn: The Musical "Every fairy tale holds a little truth, and every truth... a little fairy tale."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0