Light in the Dark

Unfortunately, this post is going to be mostly sadness with little to no glitter. Sorry.

My current employment has really begun to get the best of me. When I have the weekend off, I feel so good on Saturday. It's a sort of freedom, peace, tranquility, that fills my heart with such a relief. It's so relaxing, which could a product of the fact that I do absolutely nothing on Saturday. I binge watch Netflix, play a game or two... sometimes, I sew a little, but for the most part I do NOTHING! I do nothing because I lack the energy to do anything. The stress and headache and panic attacks and everything that builds up over the week completely drains me of everything that is ME.

Then, Sunday happens, and I have LOTS of energy. I usually get up early and clean or go shopping. Something that provides some sort of joy. But, around 3PM every Sunday, the dread sets in. I'm not talking a "I don't want to go work" sort of dread. I mean.. the panic attacks, the crying, the hyperventilating, the physically noticeable increase in heart rate. All I have to do is THINK "I have to go to work tomorrow" and I feel like my chest is going to cave in on itself.

The worst part is that my actual JOB is not hard. Customer service, prep, clean, order, count... rinse and repeat. Nothing special. Nothing exceptionally difficult. But, I've been doing it for so long, and the people... Well, I won't air their dirty laundry here, but I will say that I receive no respect but they respect it from me in return.

I lie in bed every morning of the week and cry. I've honestly wanted and considered death as a way of escape because it has just become too much. I set a personal panic attack record of 6 in a 2 hour time span. It's getting to a point that I'm not sure escape exists. How do I get out?

Well, I've applied for countless jobs. I've only received two interviews, and honestly when the second one called, I could barely even remember applying. I apply for anything and everything that isn't food service. Not a lie. Retail. Sales. Administrative. Banking. No option is worse than what I currently have, and honestly, I just NEED out!

No one should feel this way. No job, especially when you are spending nearly 50 hours a week doing it, should cause a person this much distress. Not a job that a high schooler can and does have. Hell! I began working for this company when I graduated high school. It helped me pay rent and such all the way through college. After college, when I needed a job FAST and was having no luck, the company took me back, gave me 2 promotions... and now I'm at a dead end. I can go no further, and even if I could I wouldn't want to because of the treatment I've received. This past week not excluded.

A coworker told me, a couple weeks ago, that I was "wound up tighter than an 8-day clock." (Yes, we quote Reefer Madness to each other.) When, I replied with the following line, "One too many giggle sticks," she replied, "More like not enough." One should not have to do drugs in order to not go crazy at their job. One should have a balance of work and life. Yes, our jobs are important, but they are NOT who we are. WE, as people, are SO MUCH MORE! Granted... I do not believe my job is important. No one is going to starve because I am not there to make their food. In fact, no one would starve if the store wasn't there at all. The fact that someone would tell me that makes me wonder what we, as the human race, are doing with our lives. Numbing ourselves will drugs or drinks or what have you just to not care so much.

Well, I do care! I care because I know I am better than the way I have been treated. I'm better than secret phone calls and disrespect and blame for things that weren't even my fault. I'm better than what I do to pay the bills because I am MORE than what I do to pay the bills. I am just an important as anyone else in the world or else, I wouldn't be here.

I had "Frustration" has the title of this post, but I changed it to "Light in the Dark" because as I continued to type I realized how much I have grown in the past few months. I have hope, even though it may not seem like it, but I do. I have hope that I am finding the person I am, who I was always meant to be. I have searched, almost my entire life, for the approval of other, but I don't need it. I am good enough for me. I cannot benefit others if I do not benefit myself. It has been a HARD lesson to learn, but I'm learning it a little more every day. With every tear I shed, every increase in heart rate, I stand a little taller.

Yes... I have panic attacks. Yes, I cry. Yes, I feel lost, and things are very, very dark right now... However, this is not the end of me. I am not dead yet. I am being beaten down and dragged through the mud, and thrown to the rocky bottom below... but I am not dead yet! I will continue to persevere. I will continue to live. I will learn how to be me. I will find another job. It will happen, but for now, I will be filled with a dread that causes me to cry and ache and not be able to breathe.

So, if you find yourself in one of these situations... do NOT give up. Learn. Stand tall. Breathe... no matter how shallow the breaths may be. Cry, if you need to. Scream. But, above all... FIGHT! Fight for yourself because no one is going to do it for you. Fight to find yourself. Fight to become your own light in the dark!

Secondary Blog!

I've started a secondary blog dedicated to my Herbalife journey. Follow the link below to check it out and subscribe!!!

http://herbasarah.blogspot.com/

Change of Scenery

Hello, all!

I'm back! I apologize for being so out-of-touch for so long. Here's the quick updates:

• Yes, I'm still an Herbalife Health Coach.
• Yes, I'm still losing weight.
• Yes, I'm still working on being the best version of myself that I can be.

With that last one in mind, here's the long part of the update. 

I have been unhappy in my current position for a while. I'm in a dead end job (this is not Herbalife) in a town that I hate. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I am in the process of taking that aspect of my life into my own hands. 

My roommate graduates in December, which means I'm free! I'm currently on the job hunt. Honestly, I apply to an average of 2-3 jobs per day. I need to get out of this town ASAP. I need a change of scenery. I need something new. 

Sometimes, I get discouraged, especially when I'm not being called for interviews. However, I'm keeping faith. I know there will be an interview. I know there is a job out there for me. I just have to keep the faith and keep applying. 

Some progress!

It has been too long since my last post. I am terribly sorry about that. However, there have been many changes in my life and my free time has been somewhat cut short.

Today, I decided to make a photo collage from when I first started my weight loss journey with Herbalife in March to the last full photo taken of me last month. The difference isn't very distinct, but it is inspiring. I'm so proud of my progress because it's mine! It is a product of my dedication to my health, and I could not be happier.

Here's the collage. It's embarrassing to show these old picture, especially the profile shot. However, they are pictures of a person I will never be again.

Have questions about products? Ask me. Want to lose weight or gain muscles? Ask me. I'm beginning to open up about my journey and hoping to inspire others. 

Cravings!!

So... the cravings won today. Yesterday, I battled and won a ferocious Sonic craving. What do I crave from Sonic you may ask? Sausage, egg, and cheese breakfast burritos and a chocolate java chiller shake. I could have that every day. I'm not kidding. It's a problem, especially considering I don't like chocolate. Honestly, ask any of my friends how many times they've seen me eat chocolate. It's very rare. However, the mixture of espresso and ice cream with just a little chocolate syrup is like heaven for this fat kid!

Anyway... today at work all I wanted was pepperoni. NOT KIDDING! It was intense. I resisted all day. Then, I came home and was so hungry. I have meals prepped. That's not the problem. I just didn't want it. All I wanted was pepperoni. So, after 2 days of craving a cheat meal, I indulged and ordered a pizza which my roommate will have to finish eating. I'm not going to lie... it was possibly the BEST few pieces (I get square cut) of pizza I've ever had. I think that's because I haven't given into cravings yet. However, with tomorrow being 1 week since my restart on my program, it seemed like a good time for a cheat meal. We SHOULD have cheat meals! They make us feel as if we aren't denying ourselves. Not sure about any of you, but anytime I feel denied something I get angry, frustrated, and end up quitting. This weight loss plan is not about denying myself things I like. I very much like pizza, but I shouldn't eat it every day or even every weekend.

Will I regret this decision? Probably... only for the sluggish, gross feeling that will follow eating something so greasy when I've been eating clean and healthy. I'm not going to lie, I've been feeling better with even just a week of lifestyle change. Can you imagine a month from now? Two? A year? I cannot, but I'm so excited to see what happens!

The point... sometimes you have to give into the cravings just for a meal every week or so.

Also, my latest order just came in and I am so excited to have my new flavor of tea (I got peach this time) and to add protein to my shakes! I honestly cannot wait to wake up in the morning to test them out! TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT!

Well... keep it sassy!

First Mini Goal: ACHIEVED!!!

The first of my mini weight loss goals is here! After months and months, I am finally there, and it feels amazing!

I know I have many more of these "mini" goals to reach along my journey but to have reached one is an achievement. I feel very proud of myself.

That's it for now! I just wanted to share that bit of news with you!

Keep it Sassy!

Bedtime Ritual

I'm starting a new ritual, and by starting, I mean I've been doing this the past few nights. It's something that helps remind me why I'm doing this every single night. It also keeps me from grabbing some unhealthy late night snack.

Every night when I'm trying to wind down from the day I make a cup of "Sleepytime" tea. If you've never had it, it is AMAZING! I put just a touch of organic honey in it. It calms me down and gets me ready for sleep.

Then, I watch weight loss motivational videos. They are the main reminder that "I can do this." Other people have accomplished their fitness goals or are well on their way, and I am not alone. I enjoy hearing what other people have to say to encourage and motivate me. Granted I know it's not personally for me, but it's encouraging all the same.

Have a nice night! I'll probably have another post tomorrow.