I’m Not a Princess

“You’re not a princess, Aunt Sarah.”

Those are the words uttered by my 5-year-old niece when I told her I would be playing Allana in The Little Mermaid. For those of you who don’t know the names listed in  the song “Daughters of Triton” Allana is one of Ariel’s older sisters, which means Allana is in fact a Disney Princess. The show is currently running (2 weekends left... get your tickets at jccommunitytheatre.org), and I still struggle with this aspect of the character. Actually, I struggle with most aspects of the character. You see... I agree with my niece. I am NOT a princess, and I most definitely am not a Disney Princess. 

I am 32. I am morbidly obese. I am less than pretty. The only thing I have going for me is a singing voice that the good Lord decided to bless me with... and a big heart that loves people. That’s it. So, prior to every performance, I paint my face, put on my costume, and lock myself in the paint room at the theatre to steel my nerves. Not because I have stage fright, but because I accepted a role that I am physically uncomfortable playing. I call myself the whale-sister instead a mersister because that’s how I feel, but I force myself to put on an air of being comfortable in my own skin because that is one of things we are trying to achieve with this production. Showing people that no matter your age, race, sexual identity, or size you can be whatever it is you want to be. Sometimes, I think this is more for me than any audience member because I struggle so much with my body image. 

I have tried to lose weight. Believe me. I’ll try again and again, but until I can find that love for myself that I so freely give to others, it won’t stick. I know this because it is the first thing anyone will tell you about weight loss. So, for now, I will step on that stage, mid panic attack, uncomfortable with who I am, and deliver a performance that makes audiences feel like they are represented because they are! That’s the beauty of it! Honestly, I LOVE what we are doing! I just wish I would have declined the role 90% of the time. 

I know this probably doesn’t make sense. I know people never really read my blog anyone. I know there are people who will say, “Sarah’s having a BPD moment and asking for validation.” Does my BPD make this harder? Absolutely, but I’ve done the work enough to know the difference. This is me expressing my feelings about something that is affecting me. No more. No less. Does validation feel good? Absolutely. I wouldn’t human if I said no... with or without BPD. But validation is not my end game. My end game is to express how I feel and acknowledge those feelings in order to hopefully let them go in a healthy way. 

For now... I’m proud of myself for doing this in spite of being uncomfortable. It is only through the pain that we grow.