Wednesday, October 15, 2014

28 going on 90

This post is brought to you by three things:

  1. Binge watching Gilmore Girls
  2. The cast recording of the Broadway musical If/Then
  3. My own reflection
I have been watching and listening to the first two religiously lately. I have yet to tire of belting "Always Starting Over" whenever and wherever I can, even it that means while standing outside my workplace during a break. 

However, this thought really came to mind when I had just finished the episode of Gilmore Girls when Rory is researching the Life and Death Brigade. At the end of the episode, she asks Lorelei if she is too safe? If she's a mouse? That stuck with me because I am. I do not take risks. I've been at the same job since I graduated high school, and even though I have BIG dreams, I know I'll never achieve them for the simple fact that I am too afraid to chase them. I'll never even come close to them. I sit complaining that I am stuck because I'm not brave enough to do ANYTHING. 

I turned off Netflix and decided to go to bed because the sheer thought that I am that terrified of life was too depressing. So, I came upstairs and started to get ready for bed. As I stood there, staring at my reflection as I brushed my hair, I thought to myself, "Who is that old woman?" I'm old. I mean, I understand that 28 is not OLD, but I'm not talking about my actual age. I got my first grey hair at the age of 16. My face is covered in wrinkles and looks weathered. How I feel on the inside is showing in my physical appearance. My fear, my stress, my inability to love myself... it's all there, written on my face for everyone to see. 

My entire life, I have been told "You have an old soul." I believe that now more than ever. Have I made childish mistakes? Yes. Of course I have, but for the most part, I have done nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing extreme. I can't even find the strength within me to follow my one true passion in life. I'm feeble and weak. I go through life as if I've already LIVED, but I haven't. I'm not 90. I'm 28. I have done absolutely nothing with my life. I have to move back in with my parents' after my roommate graduates for crying out loud. I have no outlook for the future. It simply doesn't exists because in my mind, I'm going to die any moment now because I'm old and decaying prematurely. 

"Well, what are you going to do about that?" is probably what all of you are thinking. I always have some sort of positive spin for these sort of posts. But, tonight, I don't. I don't have a positive spin.

I spend every single moment I am in public putting up some sort of appearance of happiness. (My positive spin for the public.) Then, I looked in the mirror tonight and realized that there's no way I'm fooling anyone. If they see the face I saw in the mirror tonight, they see the torment and the struggle and the pain. If they see that face, they must know all the "happy things" I say are false. Put there to convince them (or even myself) that I am someone who is strong and brave and happy. I'm not fooling anyone, and if I am, I must be a better actor than I have ever given myself credit for being. Because, even though it is my passion, I've never thought I was very good at it either. 

So... if you have a positive spin... I'm all ears. (or eyes in this case I guess) Because I'm honestly at a loss. If I weren't allergic to cats, I'd just go ahead and adopt 50 because that's how I've been living life since high school (minus a year or two in college)

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Light in the Dark

Unfortunately, this post is going to be mostly sadness with little to no glitter. Sorry.

My current employment has really begun to get the best of me. When I have the weekend off, I feel so good on Saturday. It's a sort of freedom, peace, tranquility, that fills my heart with such a relief. It's so relaxing, which could a product of the fact that I do absolutely nothing on Saturday. I binge watch Netflix, play a game or two... sometimes, I sew a little, but for the most part I do NOTHING! I do nothing because I lack the energy to do anything. The stress and headache and panic attacks and everything that builds up over the week completely drains me of everything that is ME.

Then, Sunday happens, and I have LOTS of energy. I usually get up early and clean or go shopping. Something that provides some sort of joy. But, around 3PM every Sunday, the dread sets in. I'm not talking a "I don't want to go work" sort of dread. I mean.. the panic attacks, the crying, the hyperventilating, the physically noticeable increase in heart rate. All I have to do is THINK "I have to go to work tomorrow" and I feel like my chest is going to cave in on itself.

The worst part is that my actual JOB is not hard. Customer service, prep, clean, order, count... rinse and repeat. Nothing special. Nothing exceptionally difficult. But, I've been doing it for so long, and the people... Well, I won't air their dirty laundry here, but I will say that I receive no respect but they respect it from me in return.

I lie in bed every morning of the week and cry. I've honestly wanted and considered death as a way of escape because it has just become too much. I set a personal panic attack record of 6 in a 2 hour time span. It's getting to a point that I'm not sure escape exists. How do I get out?

Well, I've applied for countless jobs. I've only received two interviews, and honestly when the second one called, I could barely even remember applying. I apply for anything and everything that isn't food service. Not a lie. Retail. Sales. Administrative. Banking. No option is worse than what I currently have, and honestly, I just NEED out!

No one should feel this way. No job, especially when you are spending nearly 50 hours a week doing it, should cause a person this much distress. Not a job that a high schooler can and does have. Hell! I began working for this company when I graduated high school. It helped me pay rent and such all the way through college. After college, when I needed a job FAST and was having no luck, the company took me back, gave me 2 promotions... and now I'm at a dead end. I can go no further, and even if I could I wouldn't want to because of the treatment I've received. This past week not excluded.

A coworker told me, a couple weeks ago, that I was "wound up tighter than an 8-day clock." (Yes, we quote Reefer Madness to each other.) When, I replied with the following line, "One too many giggle sticks," she replied, "More like not enough." One should not have to do drugs in order to not go crazy at their job. One should have a balance of work and life. Yes, our jobs are important, but they are NOT who we are. WE, as people, are SO MUCH MORE! Granted... I do not believe my job is important. No one is going to starve because I am not there to make their food. In fact, no one would starve if the store wasn't there at all. The fact that someone would tell me that makes me wonder what we, as the human race, are doing with our lives. Numbing ourselves will drugs or drinks or what have you just to not care so much.

Well, I do care! I care because I know I am better than the way I have been treated. I'm better than secret phone calls and disrespect and blame for things that weren't even my fault. I'm better than what I do to pay the bills because I am MORE than what I do to pay the bills. I am just an important as anyone else in the world or else, I wouldn't be here.

I had "Frustration" has the title of this post, but I changed it to "Light in the Dark" because as I continued to type I realized how much I have grown in the past few months. I have hope, even though it may not seem like it, but I do. I have hope that I am finding the person I am, who I was always meant to be. I have searched, almost my entire life, for the approval of other, but I don't need it. I am good enough for me. I cannot benefit others if I do not benefit myself. It has been a HARD lesson to learn, but I'm learning it a little more every day. With every tear I shed, every increase in heart rate, I stand a little taller.

Yes... I have panic attacks. Yes, I cry. Yes, I feel lost, and things are very, very dark right now... However, this is not the end of me. I am not dead yet. I am being beaten down and dragged through the mud, and thrown to the rocky bottom below... but I am not dead yet! I will continue to persevere. I will continue to live. I will learn how to be me. I will find another job. It will happen, but for now, I will be filled with a dread that causes me to cry and ache and not be able to breathe.

So, if you find yourself in one of these situations... do NOT give up. Learn. Stand tall. Breathe... no matter how shallow the breaths may be. Cry, if you need to. Scream. But, above all... FIGHT! Fight for yourself because no one is going to do it for you. Fight to find yourself. Fight to become your own light in the dark!

Monday, September 1, 2014

Secondary Blog!

I've started a secondary blog dedicated to my Herbalife journey. Follow the link below to check it out and subscribe!!!

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Change of Scenery

Hello, all!

I'm back! I apologize for being so out-of-touch for so long. Here's the quick updates:

  • Yes, I'm still an Herbalife Health Coach.
  • Yes, I'm still losing weight.
  • Yes, I'm still working on being the best version of myself that I can be.
With that last one in mind, here's the long part of the update. 

I have been unhappy in my current position for a while. I'm in a dead end job (this is not Herbalife) in a town that I hate. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I am in the process of taking that aspect of my life into my own hands. 

My roommate graduates in December, which means I'm free! I'm currently on the job hunt. Honestly, I apply to an average of 2-3 jobs per day. I need to get out of this town ASAP. I need a change of scenery. I need something new. 

Sometimes, I get discouraged, especially when I'm not being called for interviews. However, I'm keeping faith. I know there will be an interview. I know there is a job out there for me. I just have to keep the faith and keep applying. 

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Some progress!

It has been too long since my last post. I am terribly sorry about that. However, there have been many changes in my life and my free time has been somewhat cut short.

Today, I decided to make a photo collage from when I first started my weight loss journey with Herbalife in March to the last full photo taken of me last month. The difference isn't very distinct, but it is inspiring. I'm so proud of my progress because it's mine! It is a product of my dedication to my health, and I could not be happier.

Here's the collage. It's embarrassing to show these old picture, especially the profile shot. However, they are pictures of a person I will never be again.

Have questions about products? Ask me. Want to lose weight or gain muscles? Ask me. I'm beginning to open up about my journey and hoping to inspire others. 

Wednesday, June 25, 2014


So... the cravings won today. Yesterday, I battled and won a ferocious Sonic craving. What do I crave from Sonic you may ask? Sausage, egg, and cheese breakfast burritos and a chocolate java chiller shake. I could have that every day. I'm not kidding. It's a problem, especially considering I don't like chocolate. Honestly, ask any of my friends how many times they've seen me eat chocolate. It's very rare. However, the mixture of espresso and ice cream with just a little chocolate syrup is like heaven for this fat kid!

Anyway... today at work all I wanted was pepperoni. NOT KIDDING! It was intense. I resisted all day. Then, I came home and was so hungry. I have meals prepped. That's not the problem. I just didn't want it. All I wanted was pepperoni. So, after 2 days of craving a cheat meal, I indulged and ordered a pizza which my roommate will have to finish eating. I'm not going to lie... it was possibly the BEST few pieces (I get square cut) of pizza I've ever had. I think that's because I haven't given into cravings yet. However, with tomorrow being 1 week since my restart on my program, it seemed like a good time for a cheat meal. We SHOULD have cheat meals! They make us feel as if we aren't denying ourselves. Not sure about any of you, but anytime I feel denied something I get angry, frustrated, and end up quitting. This weight loss plan is not about denying myself things I like. I very much like pizza, but I shouldn't eat it every day or even every weekend.

Will I regret this decision? Probably... only for the sluggish, gross feeling that will follow eating something so greasy when I've been eating clean and healthy. I'm not going to lie, I've been feeling better with even just a week of lifestyle change. Can you imagine a month from now? Two? A year? I cannot, but I'm so excited to see what happens!

The point... sometimes you have to give into the cravings just for a meal every week or so.

Also, my latest order just came in and I am so excited to have my new flavor of tea (I got peach this time) and to add protein to my shakes! I honestly cannot wait to wake up in the morning to test them out! TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT!

Well... keep it sassy!

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

First Mini Goal: ACHIEVED!!!

The first of my mini weight loss goals is here! After months and months, I am finally there, and it feels amazing!

I know I have many more of these "mini" goals to reach along my journey but to have reached one is an achievement. I feel very proud of myself.

That's it for now! I just wanted to share that bit of news with you!

Keep it Sassy!

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Bedtime Ritual

I'm starting a new ritual, and by starting, I mean I've been doing this the past few nights. It's something that helps remind me why I'm doing this every single night. It also keeps me from grabbing some unhealthy late night snack.

Every night when I'm trying to wind down from the day I make a cup of "Sleepytime" tea. If you've never had it, it is AMAZING! I put just a touch of organic honey in it. It calms me down and gets me ready for sleep.

Then, I watch weight loss motivational videos. They are the main reminder that "I can do this." Other people have accomplished their fitness goals or are well on their way, and I am not alone. I enjoy hearing what other people have to say to encourage and motivate me. Granted I know it's not personally for me, but it's encouraging all the same.

Have a nice night! I'll probably have another post tomorrow.

Meal Prep Day #1

Here I am! I've already taken my tabs. I'm in the process of finishing my tea and my WONDERFUL cafe latte shake! I honestly cannot say enough about how wonderful these products make me feel. I promise there will be an entire post on them in the future.

Yesterday, I sat down and made a meal plan. It looks a little something like this:

Monday: Shrimp, Brown Rice, Mixed Vegetables
Tuesday: Chicken, Quinoa, Mixed Vegetables
Wednesday: Shrimp, Brown Rice, Carrots, Peas
Thursday: Chicken, Quinoa, Carrots, Peas
Friday: Shredded Chicken, Brown Rice, Bell Pepper, Onion, and Tomato

I have already prepped up some snacks. I have cantaloupe, strawberries, and celery cut up and portioned out into ziploc bags. I also have single serving packs of greek yogurt, almonds, and craisins. I don't know about you, but for a person who was only eating one rather large meal a day, this seems like an awful lot of food. Eating small, portion controlled meals means more food, more nutrition than gorging yourself on one singular meal.

So, today... I PREP! I'm super excited about it. I bought everything I needed and more for less than $60. I'm not sure I've ever spent such a small amount of money when grocery shopping. I was very happy. I guess eating healthy can be affordable. I've just been looking at it all wrong. My favorite part of this is that I'm finally learning portion control. I swear! It is the most important part of it all. Before, I would eat the things listed in my plan BUT I would eat FAR too much of it! That's the thing about portion control I'm learning. You can eat things you like. You just have to eat the proper amount.

Yesterday also turned out to be my cheat meal day. I allow myself one cheat meal a week. Notice that I said "MEAL" not "DAY." There's a big difference! Another lesson I'm learning. Once a week, I go out to eat with my friend, Derek. Now, I could choose to eat healthy when we do that. I could get a salad or something off the "light" part of the menu, but I choose to make it my cheat meal every week. I think of it this way... I eat out once a week. If I'm going to do a cheat meal, it might as well be then. So, yesterday for dinner instead of having the meal I had already prepped (don't worry... it will be tonight's dinner) I had an artisan grilled chicken ciabatta sandwich and some loaded mashed potatoes. Yes! I could've just had plain mash or steamed veggies instead, but I just went for it because I LOVE loaded mashed potatoes. I also had tea, but it was unsweetened tea.

Well, I think that's about it for now. I may post again after all my prepping is over. Not sure yet, but I might. Maybe even post a picture. Remember... Keep it sassy!


Saturday, June 21, 2014

Meal Prep... Prep?

Hello everyone!

I'm back again for another update. This is one is going to be about MEAL PREP! *cue scary music*

For those who know me personally, you may know that I have a love/hate relationship with cooking. I honestly like to cook, but hate cleaning up. However, the main part of my hatred for cooking is trying to do it after I've done nothing but make food for other people for 8+ hours all day. So, to say I don't want to cook after that would be an understatement.

With my recent start up of getting healthy, I've decided to try meal prepping. I actually prepped 3 days worth the other day, (Today's dinner with be the last of that.) and it was easy. My roommate has decided he wants to start meal prepping as well. It's a lot easier to eat healthy when the person you live with isn't bringing home pizza, so YAY!

Today is dedicated to getting all the materials I need in order to prep meals for myself and my roommate. The number one thing being containers to store them in. I've also got to make sure there's room in the refrigerator for all of it. I'm not sure what I'll be making yet but it should be pretty simple. We already have some proteins in the freezer. I'm thinking chicken and shrimp... mixing it up a little. I've had baked chicken breasts the past 3 days, so the shrimp will be a nice change of pace. We've also got lots of those Birds Eye Steamfresh veggie bags. Those are definitely easy to make. Maybe add some brown rice or quinoa for starch purposes. I need to get some low-cal sauces. We already have some, but why not get a few different options. That's what we currently have. On top of that, I need to get some low-cal snacks. Some fruit, almonds, string cheese, etc. I'm not really sure yet, but that's what today is for.

Tomorrow, after it is all said and done, I'll post my menu for the week. Granted it won't look like much. I only eat one meal a day at the moment as well as snacks throughout the day. Before you start telling me how unhealthy only eating once a day is, take into consideration that I have 2 meal replacement shakes a day on Herbalife. I'll post more about that later. I promise. It's probably what everyone wants to know about!

Well, I think that's it for now. Time to go clean out the frig, do some dishes, make a shopping list, and hit the down.

Do you meal prep? What are your favorite meals? Let me know in the comments below! But, more than that... Keep it sassy!


Friday, June 20, 2014

What a Day!

Today has been a "no good, very ill" (not bad) sort of day.

To say I haven't been feeling 100% this past week would be an understatement. I just thought it was because I was exhausted from things I cannot talk about.

Anyway... I haven't been feeling well the past few days, but today I got that clammy feeling you often get with fevers and complete body aches on top of the stomach issues I was already having. Yes... TMI, but I have a point.

After coming home and relaxing with some Tylenol in my system, I'm feeling a little better. Not much, but enough to blog about a revelation I had today.

I hate spending money. I mean, I will let the cabinets run empty. I will wait until my gas light comes on unless I'm on a road trip. I will avoid spending money at all costs, especially when I know I don't have much money to spare. However, today I placed another Herbalife order. I just ordered two things, but I ordered them. Basically, I'm running low on tea, and am in desperate need in some extra protein intake.

You have to make things a priority, sometimes. I'm making my health a priority even when I just want to curl into a ball with a Java Chiller Shake and a couple of breakfast burritos from Sonic. Really! That is ALL I want right now, but I'm resisting because I know it will not benefit me in the long run.

Well, I'm off to take care of some work related things. Just a few more things to take care of before I'm off for two days! Excitement for sleep abounds.


Thursday, June 19, 2014

Setting Goals

I've decided to post this here to keep me accountable. I can write it in a journal all I want, but I just seem to keep writing it and not doing it. If I think people might read it, then I might do better. I'm not saying I will or I won't, but I do think this will help.

My long term goals (and we're talking LLLLLOOOOOONNNNNGGG):

1. Lose approximately 115 lbs.
2. Get with the 20-22% body fat range.
3. Feel less self-conscious at the gym.

Granted... I know those are super long term goals, and if I think about them and only them, I'll fail before I even begin. So, I have mid-term goals:

1. Weigh UNDER 200 lbs.
2. Run a marathon of some sort. (I'm not a runner. In fact, I hate running. However, I WANT to do this.)
3. Get down to a size 16 again. (Yes, I want to get lower than that, but to think that was 8th grade is scary.)

Now, goals for the next month. By July 19th, I am aiming for:

1. A lose of 8-10 lbs.
2. Going to the gym at least 2 times a week. (I know it's not a lot, but it's more than sitting at home.)
3. Belt out my frustration at least once a week. (Not technically fitness-related, but it's mental health related.)
4. Talk to my health coach when I feel less motivated than usual.

Are you trying to better yourself in some way? Looking to get fit or follow a dream? Leave a goal in the comments below. We'll mutually support each other!

Keep it sassy and covered in glitter!



Today, I woke up early... as well I should considering I went to bed SUPER early. However, that's not the point. The point is I woke up early and decided it was time to get back into my weight loss routine. If you didn't know, I've been working on this for a while. I'll be really strong for a month or so, and then I'll slack off for a few months. NOT GOOD! NOT BENEFICIAL! The last time I was doing really well. I had lost almost 10 lbs. in 4 weeks, which is good for me.

So today has been a shake for breakfast and lunch day with a colorful meal for dinner, which I'm currently in the process of making. So, this will be short.

My biggest news today is that I did not have a single soda at work today! NOT A SINGLE SODA WAS HAD! I had one brief moment where I wanted a Sprite, but I resisted! I'm so excited!

So, that's it. This is the end!

Monday, June 9, 2014

Tonys 2014

It is 2:40 AM, and though, I am physically exhausted... I am wide awake!

If you know me at all, then you know I claim the day of the Tony Awards as a national holiday. I do not take them lightly. No one is to bother me on this day unless you want to discuss predictions, outcomes, performances, etc. It holds a higher value than Christmas to me. I've even been known to call the theatre church. If theatre is church, then Tonys Day is Christmas and Easter mass combined! It's that big of a deal for me. I go to the extent of taking the day after off work because I KNOW this will happen.

I'm awake... wide awake. I want to take on the world. I want to challenge any and every thing that tries to hold me down.

So... I sit here. I'm home from a wonderful night of Tonys viewing at my friend Jon's home, and I'm thrumming. The energies around me are palpitating. I'm alive. I'm full of inspiration and creativity. I want to create. I need to create. I need to celebrate this wonderful thing we call live theatre with the world!

I'm naturally pessimistic. I see the world as half-empty most times. People annoy me. I hate everything. In fact, I am usually against all sorts of social affairs, but this one is different. This is full of people who are like me in a way. They see and recognize and accept the wonder in the ability to show "people" how "people" are or should be. We are speakers and writers and lovers of truth in it's purest form. Most people find that an odd statement. My parents were often those people. "It's pretend." "It's make believe." "Playing dress up." "You need to grow up." ETC. We've all heard those phrases. But, it's not pretend or make believe or dress up. We do not need to grow up. No one tells a scientist to stop exploring. (Well, except for creationists.) It's hard to imagine that I live in a part of the world that preaches, literally, to live your life based entirely on faith, but will ridicule you for acting or composing music that isn't faith-based or writing your life down in a way so that it can be shared and maybe reach someone who is going through a similar struggle.

I said to my friends tonight that I often feel as if "my mind is too full of creativity to be contained in this small town." I asked them if they feel the same way. They looked at me with "DUH" written across their faces. However, if I asked this of most people from my hometown, they wouldn't understand what I was talking about. They'd think I was crazy.

Theatre is educational. Theatre is life. Theatre is truth, even if you do not want to accept that truth. It has taken me a long time to accept some truths I have learned in the theatre community or through a show I have seen or worked on. Some truths I still have a hard time accepting those truths. Sometimes I do not believe I deserve to chase my dreams. Sometimes, I have a hard time accepting the fact that the only person sabotaging my life is myself. But, at the core of all that, I am set free by theatre. It may suck at times. I might take such lessons for granted, but theatre has granted me the ability to do the one thing I know I can do. Share a little bit of truth, whether it is mine or a certain composer's or a playwright's. As Street Singer said in Brooklyn: The Musical "Every fairy tale holds a little truth, and every truth... a little fairy tale."

Monday, April 28, 2014


I'm currently in the process of finding myself... finding my happiness... finding my contentment... finding what it means to be me!

To some people, that may sound crazy. Some people know exactly who there are, what they live for. I am not one of those people. I have never been one of those people. My entire life has been spent trying to be who everyone else wants me to be. Perfect daughter. Perfect student. Perfect employee. Perfect manager. Perfect friend. Perfect roommate. The problem is... I can't be any of those people because I'm not. I'm not perfect. It is not possible for me to be the person others want me to be because I can only be me. Unfortunately, I have no idea who that is.

This has all been building up over the past 4-5 years. This understanding that I am not being true to myself or in the place I need to be in or the place I want to be in. The weight of it all has been unbearable. At first, I believed it was just a phase... a mood swing, but it continued to get worse. Over the years, the depression has gotten to a level where I no longer want to live. I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and end it all. I haven't wanted to live for at least 2 years now. I've wanted to take my own life every day of those 2 years, but I haven't. Something has kept me from that. I'm always said it was fear because I live in fear. Afraid to pursue the career I want. Afraid to fail. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of poverty. Afraid to disappoint. I've spent more of my life being afraid than I have living. I don't want to live that life. I guess that's why I haven't wanted to live. I thought that was my life.

Now, I'm doing what I can to escape those thoughts, those expectations, those boundaries. I may feel things too deeply. I may express my feelings and thoughts too much or not enough. I may not know who I am, but I know for certain that the person I have been since I graduated college is NOT the person I am.

Sunday, April 27, 2014


My soul is broken
Fallen from grace

Every tear
Every stain
Upon my face

No one can hear
No one can see
The despair and the pain
Living inside me

Through smiles
Through laughs
Nothing is real

Fallen and scattered
Fragmented and broken
That's all I feel