Thursday, January 5, 2017

More Than Overthinking

I have spent a lot of time trying to determine what my next post would be. I tossed around a few ideas that I hope to get to; however, sometimes the weight of the illnesses is too much for the happy stuff.

I'm not in the throws of it just yet, but I can feel it coming. The tightening of my chest. The desire to sleep all the time. The inability to force myself to sew for more than just a few minutes. (There will be many posts about my use of quilting as a coping mechanism. I promise.) The sense of dread that I feel deep within my bones. But, the biggest warning sign for me, the one I'm learning to pick up on the fastest, is the rapid flipping from content to emotional disaster to numb.

Take today at work:

I was fine. I was doing my job, knocking out a massive project. Not happy. Not sad. Just content with my work when suddenly I am crying because I miss someone so much. Completely out of nowhere, the thought came into my mind, the panic crept into my chest, and before I could use mindfulness to gain some sort of control, I was sobbing. It happened in a matter of seconds. Of course, then I proceeded to get frustrated at myself because

  1. I was crying.
  2. I wasn't able to gain control in time to stop it.
  3. I missed the person.
  4. I felt guilty because my illnesses are the reason the person left, as far as I know.
  5. I don't actually know that 4 is true so I was assuming.
  6. It doesn't matter if it is an assumption, the person left and it fucking hurts.
  7. It shouldn't hurt the person left.
  8. But it does hurt and there's nothing I can do to fix it.
  9. I should be able to fix it.
  10. If I talked to the person I could fix it.
  11. I've tried talking to the person, the person isn't interested in fixing it.
  12. I don't actually know that the person isn't interested in fixing it and am making assumptions again.
  13. I need to stop making assumptions and just accept that the person left.
  14. But I need closure.
  15. I'll probably never get closure.
  16. I have wasted so much time upset about this and dwelling on it. Now, I'm going to get behind on my work.
  17. Does it really matter if I get behind? It's not like I'm probably not getting fired tomorrow.
  18. I probably am getting fired tomorrow.
  19. If I get fired, I won't be able to pay rent.
  20. Where will I live?
  21. How will I survive?
  22. Why is this happening?
  23. Damn it! Calm down! Just breathe.
  24. It's ok. You are ok. You are just sick. This isn't you.
  25. But what if this is me?
  26. No wonder that person left! I wouldn't want to deal with me either.
  27. That person seriously doesn't give two shits about me. 
  28. But what if he/she does?
  29. If I could just get better. If I weren't sick, that person would still be part of my life.
  30. FUCK! Stop crying! Stop thinking about it! Just work.
  31. Work.
  32. Work.
  33. Work.
All of those thoughts went speeding through my head in about 2 minutes. That's what it is like. Not every day hits that level, but this was a fairly "normal" day. This is my normal. I have better days. I also have worse days... far worse, and I am so thankful it wasn't one of those days. 

Depression is sinking in quickly. I know it is, and I am fighting it with all my might. It just exacerbates the BPD symptoms and leads me down a path that I recognize and do NOT want to tread again. 

If you see me in one of those moments... If I reach out to you for a hand, try to refrain from saying things like, "Stop overthinking it," or "You are better off without him/her," or "Just calm down." It is far more than simply overthinking or not knowing my worth or being out of control. It will pass. I'm finally grasping the fact that those moments do, indeed, pass. Sometimes, I just need someone to sit with me in the dark until it does. 

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