Dreams: Subconscious at Work

Since being medicated, I have started dreaming again. Let me tell you, I do not dream small. I have massive, realistic, good-enough-to-be-a-motion-picture, heart-pounding-so-hard-it-jerks-you-straight-out-of-REM dreams. I always have, except when my depression is at it's deepest, darkest points. In those times, I see nothing but vast emptiness. Obviously, I prefer waking up multiple times a night because at least I know my subconscious is working. I know that things are being sorted out in the process nature indeed. 

You can also imagine that I take great stock in my dreams and their meaning. Some people do. Some don't. It's a personal belief that should not be chastised. If you don't believe dreams hold significant meaning, this post is not for you. If you do, let's take a stroll through my subconscious's way of telling me to get my shit together. Shall we?

For the past month, I have had different versions of the same dream. What do I mean? I mean, the players are the same, but the story line is somewhat different. This escalated into having 5 versions in one night. Well, now it is definitely time to look into the symbolic nature of those dreams because this is getting ridiculous.

Let me point out, that I'm not going to tell you what the dream was. You will probably be able to figure out the puzzle yourself by reading the meanings, from Dream Moods, below. I've italicized key words and phrases that connected.

• To see friends from your past in your dream points to your desire to reconnect with a part of yourself that you have lost touch with. Perhaps it is time to pick up that old hobby or put a long hidden talent to use. A more direct interpretation of this dream may simply mean that you should look this friend up and reconnect with them. 
• To dream that you are being chased signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is a metaphor for some form of insecurity.
• To dream that you have been killed suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. The dream refers to drastic changes that you are trying to make. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of the old parts and old habits. Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed.
• To dream that you are murdered suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed. You are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. The dream may also be about your unused talents. 
• To see poison in your dream denotes that you need to get rid of something in your life that is causing you much sickness and distress. You need to cleanse and purge away the negativity in your life. 
• To dream that you ingest or inhale poison indicates that you are introducing something into yourself that is harmful to your well-being. This may be feelings of bitterness, jealousy or other negative feelings that are consuming you.
• To dream of an ex-friend suggests that an object or a recent incident has subconsciously reminded you of her or him. Alternatively, the ex-friend represents a lesson you learned from the falling out. You need to apply that lesson to a current issue, problem or relationship.
• To dream of your own execution indicates that you are harboring some strong guilt. Perhaps there is a bad habit or aspect of yourself that you want to rid yourself of.
• To dream that you are kicking someone represents suppressed aggression that you are unable to express in your waking life. 
• To dream that you are being kicked indicates that you feel victimized or taken advantage of. The dream may be telling you to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Alternatively, being kicked is a way for your subconscious to push you ahead and motivate you to continue on toward your goals. Sometimes you need a kick. You need to be more aggressive.
• To dream that you are being kidnapped denotes feelings of being trapped and restricted. Someone or some situation may be diverting your concentration and your attention away from your goals. In particular, to dream that you are kidnapped by your ex-boyfriend suggests that your ex still has some sort of emotional hold on you. (**Note: I am viewing this as an ex-friend as well.**)
• To dream that you are wounded by a knife is symbolic of masculine or animalistic aggression.
• To see someone holding a knife in your dream suggests that you lack control or power in a situation or relationship. Alternatively, the person holding a knife in your dream may be symbolic of a dominant male figure in your waking life.
• To dream that you are hiding suggests that you are keeping some secret or withholding some information. You may not be facing up to a situation or dealing with some issue. However, you may be getting ready to reveal something and confess before somebody finds out.
• To dream that you are walking through an alley represents a dead-end. You feel that you have missed out on some opportunity in life. Alternatively, the dream denotes that your reputation is in jeopardy. You feel that you are on the outside.
• To dream that you are alone indicates feelings of rejection. You may be feeling that no one understands you. 
• To see only the feet being chased in your dream suggests that you are letting others determine where you go or decide on your goals. You are lacking control over the direction of your own life. 
• To see a fence in your dream signifies an obstacle or barrier that may be standing on your path. You may feel confined and restricted in expressing yourself. Are you feeling fenced in some situation or confined in some relationship?
• To dream that you are climbing to the top of a fence denotes success. If you climb over the fence, then it indicates that you will accomplish your desires via not so legitimate means. If you dream that you are on the fence, then the dream may be a metaphor indicating that you undecided about something.
• To dream that you fall from a fence denotes that you are in way over your head in regards to some project which you are dealing with.
• To dream that you are in a fight indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life. If you are fighting to the death, then it refers to your refusal to acknowledge some waking conflict or inner turmoil. You are unwilling to change your old attitudes and habits.
• To dream that someone is stealing something from you indicates that you are experiencing an identity crisis or are suffering from some sort of loss in your life. Alternatively, the dream means that someone has stolen your success or has taken credit for something you did. Perhaps you feel that you have been treated unfairly.

As you can see, there were many symbols in my dream and all of them are interconnected. Disconnect with self. Needing to reconnect with self. Feeling overwhelmed, insecure, let down, rejected, betrayed, guilty, shocked, disappointed, bitter, taken advantage of, treated unfairly, trapped, aggressive but not aggressive enough, powerless, loss, treated unfairly.

My struggle to say how I feel instead of just talking about a situation and hoping someone understands, shows itself plainly in my subconscious. My subconscious is telling me how I feel. What I need to work on. There's a lot, but it is all connected to the same situations. From this I can see that yes, I do feel strong guilt. I am guilty of things, but that is not all I feel. Strangely, it is the only thing I focus on in my waking life. My friends, the handful who have stuck by me through the worst of the worst, always tell me how big my heart is. How deeply I love. How much I give and give to those I care about even if that care is not returned. I always tell them they are full of it, but I'm starting to understand that they are not. 

In my waking life, I only deal with the what I did wrong. I only acknowledge my faults. I hold those I love and care about on a pedestal of no wrong doing. I take the blame for it all. Every bit of it. The broken hearts and friendships and trust. I accept 100% of the blame. I carry 100% of the guilt, but that cannot possibly be true. If it were 100% my fault, I would not feel let down or rejected or betrayed or shocked or taken advantage of or treated unfairly. 

Now, I see just a bit clearer the aspects I need to work on. I need to not view those I love on a pedestal. I need to see them as flawed, too. I need to allow myself to acknowledge that I am not the only one to blame in the destruction of former friendships, the loss of which I am still trying to accept, process, and move on from. I need to allow myself to feel those things openly without regret or self-hatred because I am allowed to feel wronged and betrayed too. They do not get to hold the monopoly on those feelings and make me feel I am the scum of the earth. I have to stop blaming myself for everything that goes wrong and putting more and more weight on myself that isn't mine to carry. I need to let them carry their own guilt for a change. I have enough on my own. I don't need theirs, and it is not healthy for me to take it on. Plus, it doesn't change anything. They hate me regardless of whether I take all the blame or not.