Sunday, October 20, 2013

Drunken Real Talk

I used to think I'd never get over _______. Then, I thought I'd never get over ______. In the middle of all that, there was you. I was so infatuated with #1 that I completely glazed over the time I had with you. After you, I was so enthralled with #1, #2, and #3 that I completely forgot about you.  I've spent so much time focused on them that I completely missed and forgot what I had and what I possibly still could have. I never gave us a chance, and now I realize what a mistake that was. I was so wrapped up in what was and what could be that I missed what was happening right in front of me. 

Since then, I have determined that it wasn't you. You weren't the reason I couldn't move on. You weren't the one I was hung up on. That's how it's been. I've blamed everyone else for my inability to move on. I'm not blaming you now. I'm honestly not. The problem lies within me. Maybe I'm incapable of admitting that I am the problem.  No, I admit that. I've held onto you so tightly. I've always hoped that one day we'd find our way back to one another. Maybe I wasn't able to admit I was/possibly still am in love with you. No, that's not it. I told you when we were together. I'm posting this now. Maybe I just wasn't brave enough to step out of the closet, as it were, and own up to what was really happening. Yes! That is it.

At the time, I was too afraid to give up my family, my friends, the life I knew and had always known to be with you. At the time, I was afraid... lost. I wasn't able to accept myself, which means I wasn't able to accept you as part of my life. I wasn't able to face myself, but now that I am, it is too late.

You've moved on.  You seem to be happy, and I am happy for you. But all I have are questions I am too afraid to ask. All I have are memories and images of what was and what could've been.  I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I failed us. I just hope that one day you'll read this and realize how sorry I am for all of it. Maybe you'll realize how much you changed my life. Maybe one day you'll know how I really feel/felt. And... maybe one day I'll be able to move on.

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