Monday, April 28, 2014


I'm currently in the process of finding myself... finding my happiness... finding my contentment... finding what it means to be me!

To some people, that may sound crazy. Some people know exactly who there are, what they live for. I am not one of those people. I have never been one of those people. My entire life has been spent trying to be who everyone else wants me to be. Perfect daughter. Perfect student. Perfect employee. Perfect manager. Perfect friend. Perfect roommate. The problem is... I can't be any of those people because I'm not. I'm not perfect. It is not possible for me to be the person others want me to be because I can only be me. Unfortunately, I have no idea who that is.

This has all been building up over the past 4-5 years. This understanding that I am not being true to myself or in the place I need to be in or the place I want to be in. The weight of it all has been unbearable. At first, I believed it was just a phase... a mood swing, but it continued to get worse. Over the years, the depression has gotten to a level where I no longer want to live. I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and end it all. I haven't wanted to live for at least 2 years now. I've wanted to take my own life every day of those 2 years, but I haven't. Something has kept me from that. I'm always said it was fear because I live in fear. Afraid to pursue the career I want. Afraid to fail. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of poverty. Afraid to disappoint. I've spent more of my life being afraid than I have living. I don't want to live that life. I guess that's why I haven't wanted to live. I thought that was my life.

Now, I'm doing what I can to escape those thoughts, those expectations, those boundaries. I may feel things too deeply. I may express my feelings and thoughts too much or not enough. I may not know who I am, but I know for certain that the person I have been since I graduated college is NOT the person I am.

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