Saturday, January 21, 2017

Words vs. Actions

I hear it all the time: "I do not trust words. I trust actions." I understand the sentiment, but I wonder if these people understand that the act of reaching out to you with words is also an action. I also wonderful they realize that for me, reaching out with words, is one of the hardest actions I will ever do.

  1. Saying "Thank you." Having had my medications adjusted and some time to work on my recovery, I have found myself wanting to tell people "thank you." The ones who called the cops. The ones who sat with me while I sobbed. The ones who didn't leave when it got increasingly dark. The ones who did leave for their own sake. Why? Because I honestly owe them my life. I was that far gone. I saw no signs, no way out, just an all-encompassing darkness ready to consume me. I do not say thank you to these people out of need or necessity to have them in my life or to come back into my life. I say thank you because I truly, sincerely mean it, and for nothing else. And usually it comes to me to say it when I have just finished meditating or a behavioral worksheet. It comes in the moments when my mind is most clear and my heart the most open. 
  2. Telling you about how I feel. I still struggle to say how I feel without describing the situation that led me to said feeling or speaking in circle because I am unsure what the feeling is, but I know it is there and needs to be expressed. So, I chose you. I actively chose you. If someone picks up the phone to contact you about something important to them, that is an action. They chose you, out of everyone else they know. They chose you. They trusted you. Have faith in that.
  3. Apologies. This is the real kicker isn't it. I mean, you may not see me curled into a ball on my kitchen floor, my head pressed against the side of the cabinets to keep me from falling over, sobbing my eyes out because I know I have hurt you. All you see are the words I text you in that moment. To you, I could be out at a party with my friends like "Watch this!" I can guarantee you, I am not. If I am apologizing to you, it's because I have beaten myself up about it for minutes, hours, days, weeks, sometimes months and years. 
  4. The biggest one for me, however, is that I am a creative person who uses words as her outlet. I use words to express myself in all facets of my life. It's hard to consider yourself a writer without it. Hell, as an actor, I needed words. Words were the foundation. Take the words the playwright gives you, assess them for text and subtext and throughlines, use the power of those desires to drive your actions, and speak the words provided. I read a lot. In reading you are interpreting the words into a story and relating so honestly with the MC at times that you feel you are her/him. Words are an undeniable part of my life, like breathing and my mental illnesses. They are an inherent way of how I express and relate. If you tell me you do not trust my words, you might as well tell me you do not trust me, because I use words to tell my truth. Words, to me, are a gift given to us to allow us to connect. 
Besides, people can talk about action all they want, but when you need them, and I mean really need them, where are they? 

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