Friday, June 28, 2013

Self Doubt

Oh boy! Here I go.

So, last night I was thinking about this book series I've been writing. I'm stuck. Not writer's block stuck, but too many things happening in the wrong order stuck. Then, I realized I had messed up a major plot point. From the moment I started this adventure I knew how Book One ended, but when I started writing, that moment seemed to happen halfway through Book One. That's ok, I thought. I can stop somewhere else. NO! No, I cannot. It doesn't work like that. The story doesn't flow correctly, and it's all wrong. It is just WRONG! Now, I have to go back and fix it. All of it. Whole chapters have to be rewritten. I mean, I didn't want to do rewrites until it was time for edits. I wanted to get it all written first before I changed anything. However, the damage is irreversible. It has to be changed. It's so frustrating.

Here's where my self-doubt comes into play.

I have started countless writing projects through the years. From musical to plays to short stories to novels to this series... and I have never completed one. Not a single one. I love writing. I love thinking in stories. I love all of it, and yet I cannot finish a single project. Why? I'm so glad you asked...


My entire life has been spent being told I wasn't good enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't talented enough. I wasn't thin enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't creative enough. Over and over and over again.

Now, I understand constructive criticism. I know how to take it, file it away, and use it to my advantage later. I also know deconstructive criticism. I know when to just forget about it, but sometimes you just can't forget about it. One mistake can haunt a person for the rest of their lives. One negative comment can haunt someone for the rest of his/her life. It happens.

Being told you're not good enough over and over again, can lead you to believe it. Once you believe it, the damage is done. I am not afraid to admit that I believe I am not good enough to accomplish any of my dreams. Acting: not good enough. Singing: not good enough and not of the correct race for my vocal type. Writing: not good enough. Finding Love: don't even get me started on that one. I have all of these big dreams, but I don't believe in myself enough to attempt to make them happen. It doesn't matter how hard you work, if you don't believe in yourself, you won't achieve it.

That's where I stand right now. I don't believe. Some people will give me a hard time about writing this post. Some will tell me how wonderful I am and how I should believe in myself. Others won't say anything because they have nothing to say. I'm to the point where their words don't matter. Like the lyrics of "Die Vampire Die" state:

"The last vampire is the mother of all vampires, and that is the vampire of despair. It'll wake you up at 4AM to say things like... Who do you think you're kidding? You look like a fool. No matter how hard you try, you'll never be good enough... Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform and said these things, I'd think he was a mentally ill asshole, but if the vampire inside my head says it... It's the voice of reason."

Everyday is a struggle to prove myself wrong. Everyday I try, and everyday I get more and more discouraged. But... if I don't try, I'm resigning myself to live like this forever, and this life I currently have... this is not living. This is merely existing, and existing isn't good enough.

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